Sunday, April 17, 2011

Made of what again?

Of all of the people I know, only Hal has the knack of showing up in my dreams.

Let me back that up.  I dream a lot.  My pagan side, and pagan contingent of friends, could expound on the reasons for that for basically ever, and that's cool.  But basically, I dream a lot.  I also tend to remember my dreams, and I try to make an effort to write them down.

References to people I know happen all of the time.  Like, having my grandmother's necklace, or being at my parent's house, or their church, or whatever.  But people I know?  Don't often show up.  I don't recall ever dreaming about Jay, or about my grandmother, or about my father.  My mom will show up sometimes, but other than that, that's it.

That's not to say there aren't people in my dreams.  They are, I just don't know them "in real life", if that makes sense.  They're people in the dream, and in the dream, I know them well, but they don't correspond to someone I know in the corporeal world.

Hal, on the other hand, shows up all the damn time.

He shows up in all kinds of dreams - happy ones, neutral ones, nightmares.  He was being stalked by a serial killer in one; that was a good time.  We were in a burning building, in another.  And he's taken me for rides on his motorcycle, been at parties with me, and more.

As for why he continually shows up, I haven't a clue.  Perhaps its my brain filling in information that I don't yet know about him? Wishful thinking? Not really sure.

Conversely, Joseph reports that he dreams about ME all the time.  And Jay?  Jay never remembers his dreams.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Well that's nice

Somehow it always seems like there's so many things that are higher on the priority list or in the way of sex and sex-time around here.

For example! I have turned down sex because I really, really needed to go grocery shopping.  Yes right that very minute.

I mean, yeah, we needed food, but it's not like it couldn't have been rescheduled until the next day.  We weren't going to starve overnight.

The hell of it is, it always seems like such a good idea at the time, to put off sex.  Like, yeah, let me just do this one thing and then I'll come back and we'll pick up where we left off.  I need to get some responsible adult on.

We never.  EVER.  pick up where we left off.

How can we?  We're not in the same space and place anymore.  I've gone off and distracted myself and Jay and done something else and there's no getting it back.

I fear that if I give in to sex whenever I want it, I will never, ever get anything under the "responsible adult" category done, such as grocery shopping, laundry, or cleaning.  And one thing I've learned about myself over the years is that I need to get a minimum level of responsible adult stuff done in order to feel like a functional, healthy human being.  (I am fully aware that this is my hang-up, and don't expect it to be anyone else's).  Like, if there's not enough food in the house, I freak. out..  I have noticed a distinct correlation between my mental state and the amount of clutter in the house, or dishes, etc.

To be honest, this is really just scratching the surface of why my sex life has been, well, fairly non-existent lately. There was the emergency house re-wiring that took two weeks and tore everything up (including our playroom, and I haven't had the spoons to go up there and clean yet), there's the fact that my job has me burnt the hell out and therefore I could probably go to a psychiatrist and walk out with a Major Depression diagnosis (if not anything else - but again, my hang-ups about getting diagnosed are my own), the fact that we've just been busy.  There was not a single night last week where we were home for dinner.  Not a single one in seven days.  For my introverted ass, that is a LOT.  And it cuts down on sex times!  There's the fact that ever since my last period, any sort of breast bondage or torture is extremely, exquisitely painful for me, and not in the good way.

The obvious answer is "well then reprioritize", and I'm not sure I want to.  I mean, I want to, but, effort, you know?  And a lot of what we've been doing I like that we're doing.  And overcoming inertia is very, very difficult (physics ftw!)

Just... yeah.

Sunday, February 06, 2011


Well, we did finally get the bench be-hooked - hopefully we'll be trying that out this week. 

In addition, we bought some supplies for a wooden pony, because I've wanted one of those for like, oh, six years or something now. I found these delightful metal brackets for making easy sawhorses at Home Depot (how much do I love that store? A lot.) a while ago, and picked them up as I thought they'd make a good basis for a pony. We finally went tonight and got wood for the legs, sandpaper, varnish, etc., to finish the rest of it. For the top I got a piece of really nice "premium" pine that already has a rounded edge. It's just a matter of sanding it a bit more, putting the varnish on, and then putting it together. We'll probably have to make some height adjustments too, but that's what power tools are for.  That should hopefully be done this week as well.

Also acquired is a Twitter account for me. Apparently all the cool kids are doing it? Either way, you can find me here, or, you know, that button-thingy on the side there.  Sometimes I have things to say, but not what I think is a whole blog entry, so I'm hoping to post on a regular basis there, even if I don't post long things here so much.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Number 19 - someone who pesters your mind - good or bad

Oh Hal -

We, are going to get ourselves in to trouble.

Do I show up in your dreams, the way you show up in mine?  Do you wake up with my name on your lips and the uncanny sensation that if you open your eyes, you'll see me in your bed, the way I think I'll see you in mine?  When we touch, do you feel the same certain, unshakeable peace that I do?  That unutterable sense of right-ness?

I remain firmly convinced that you and I have known each other before, boyo.  You are so familiar to me, and have been from day one in this go-round.  When we first met, I was obsessed with figuring out who you were to me before, and the longer I know you, the less important that is.  I'm more interested in figuring out who you are now, in this life, for good or ill.  Who and what you will be to me this time.

I wonder that no one else talks about it.  What seems so obvious to me - does no one else see it?  Am I imagining everything?  Is this all some flight of my own fancy?  I feel as if we are pushing the limits of acceptable behavior so far, and yet no one has commented on it to me.  I have heard no gossip.  There have been no negative consequences and I cannot imagine that what we are doing really wouldn't be subject to any.  Am I really that wrong?

Do you know that the only other person who uses possessives in conjunction with my name is my husband?

Do you want me to be yours in more than words?

I know that the situation demands not only that we not be anything more to each other, but also that you not disclose any more than you already have.  My intuition is telling me that you'd like very much to do and be more with me, but I like hearing the words.  And no matter how often I am right, I doubt my own intuition very much.  I doubt my read of the situation without independent verification.

Do you think of me?  Do you reach out and wish you could touch me?  Do you want to call me a thousand times a day just to share a thought, an observation, something you know I'll laugh at?  Do you go home on the nights we work together, and smell just that hint of me on your clothes, on your skin, and does it make you smile?  Do you wonder how I taste?  Do you wonder what would happen if we kissed?

Do you fantasize about me?  Do you wonder what it would be like to touch all of me?  Do you wonder what it would feel like if I were touching all of you?

Do you wonder if I'm kinky, and how I'm kinky?  Do you think about what I'd look like with a collar around my neck and the leash in your hands?  What it would feel like to have me call you "Sir" and not just be kidding?  What it would feel like to have my lips around your cock and my hands on your skin and to fist your hands in my hair and finally, finally take me?  Do you wonder what kind of magic, what kind of fireworks we could make together?

I don't trust easily, and I trusted you from the moment we met.  I don't often let others touch me, and I let you touch me from the moment we met.  I know you, darling, I know you very well.

Do you know me?

Do you want to?

with love,


Monday, January 10, 2011

On echochambers

I will preface this by saying I'm composing it on my iPhone, so I will be editing for spelling, etc. later. And I apologize for any typographical errors that most assuredly will be found!

Anyway. One of the criticisms I see leveled by trolls against blogs that don't put up with their shit is "oh I see, you just want an echo chamber, not real debate", or similar.

Requiring you to stay on topic is not making an echo chamber.

Requiring you to meet minimum civility standards is not making an echo chamber.

Requiring that you read a stated commenting policy is not making an echo chamber.

Dismissing your cries of "but what about my 1st amendment rights!" is not making an echo chamber; a private blog is not the government.

Requiring you to back up your contradictory assertions with reputable sources is not making an echo chamber.

Requiring you to provide examples of your contradictory assertion on the scale of the evidence presented in the post or comment you are replying to is not making an echo chamber.

Requiring you to not be a douchebag, and banning you when you are, is not making an echo chamber.

I realize that I am somewhat preaching to the proverbial choir here, but if you are going to come in to my virtual living room, I get to set the rules on what he conversation looks like. Don't like the rules? Get your own blog.

And also? So what if a blog is an echo chamber? I mean, really, if that is your WINNING POINT to make the blogger change their mind, you are not going to be a big winner today, or any other day. If it is an echo chamber, it is probably that way by design. Get your own blog and run it how you want.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

The holidays, we spent in a blur of visiting family.  His, and mine.  His is more local to us, so that was just a drive; I have family all over the damn country, so there were multiple flights involved.  I would like to register, for the record, that I do not like the TSA's tactics of either a groping or a nude-o-scope scan for "security".  It doesn't do anything to make us demonstrably safer and violates my rights as an American citizen.  Plus, the only people who have seen photographs of my naked flesh are Jay and Joseph and I'd like to keep it that way.

I know it's popular this time of year to make resolutions, but I've never been the type.  On the Twitterscope is a New Year's "Revolution" that the Health at Every Size community there is getting going, which I can definitely support.  I am all for radical acts of self-love and acceptance.

But I don't do resolutions.  They've always felt... contrived to me, I suppose.  And rather arbitrary.  I mean, if they work for you, go right the hell for it, and good luck.  But they don't work for me.

Still, it's hard to avoid reflecting at the turn of another calendar page, so a couple of the things I'd like to change for this coming month and year include:

  • Getting the hooks on the delicious bench we bought so that I can be both spanked AND restrained on/to it.
  • Sorting through the toys and moving the better part of them to the designated play room (which IS painted, cleaned, and carpeted!)
  • Getting over my hangups and posting more often. (The hangups, they are legion.)

I say "post more often" all the time, but yeah, I don't post regularly.  I'm honestly not in the blogging game to rule the world, have a gazillion fans or followers or friends or whateverthehell - although I do appreciate each and every one of you!  I'm not here to make money, either.  I'm here because sometimes, I just really need an outlet for some of the thoughts in my head that aren't what are typically classified as "socially acceptable", and this space works pretty well.  So thanks to you for joining me, on those irregular occasions, and Happy New Year to y'all.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Oh, so the worst thing you will read all day.

Posted today on Shakesville was this, which is a link to an article about a "controversial" new book that postulates that feminism has ruined male-female relations and that women need to stop "acting like men" at home and give up on this whole "equal" thing because "men don't fall in love with equals."

If you've got enough sanity points, it's worth reading the article, if only because I cannot make this shit up, y'all.

Feminism does in fact tell women that we do not have to act demure, "sexually available", "complimentary", etc. and so on. 

But feminism does not tell us that we MUST not act that way.  The beauty of feminism is that we have the ability to be individual people, and decide what femininity means to us on our own terms - so far as any of us can have our own terms, growing up and living in the miasma of patriarchy.

Likewise, feminism does not proscribe narrow roles for men and say all men like THIS and think THIS and do THIS and are capable of THIS.  Which is what the authors are saying.  And yet, feminists are man-haters?

Additionally, you know, I am all for clear communication in relationships.  Part of that is because I try to do it myself and I really like the results, part of it is because I think communicating respectfully with people is just part of being a decent person and I have this thing about not being an asshole.  And it chaps my ass that these authors can advocate a healthy relationship skill like communication in the same mothafuckin BREATH as they advocate that women should tone their personalities and accomplishments down so they don't hurt the menz' precious fee-fees.

And while we're at it, could this book get any more hetero-normative?  The entire QUILTBAG community, where are they in all this?  Oh right, patriarchy tells us that only straight relationships matter.  And only those where the woman is properly "sexually available" and "complimentary" (no, the misspelling is not mine).

Oh also, what about relationships that aren't dyads?  Wait wait wait, those don't exist either; sorry my silly ladybrane forgot.

This is the same old WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ LADIES YOU BETTER STAY DEMURE ON THE GROUND WITH THAT BOOT ON YOUR NECK OR ELSE bullshit.  And it is absolutely galling that they mixed in a little bit of actual relationship advice to, what, make it more palatable?  Make it more mainstream?  I don't even know.

Is it possible someone will read this and chime to the "communication" part and it'll change their lives for the better?  Sure.  But why should they have to swallow all of that other shit to get there?