I don't belong here

Last night in the course of amusing myself before bedtime, I fell back on what is becoming an old standby: Yahoo! groups.

If you've ever searched for any sort of "adult" material on there, you know what I mean. If you haven't, go there and search for something like "submissive", or "lesbian", or any other sort of prurient interest you have. Then, simply read the descriptions of what comes up.

I never knew nuns were allowed to be submissive lesbians.

While searching, I came across another old standby of mine - medical fetishism. Of course there's groups for it; there's a group for everything (as evidenced above). Some of them even have really, really good pictures and stories - made even better because they're free.

The attraction to gyno exams - the main branch of the fetish for me - is the vulnerability, I think. Here you are, legs spread, your most intimate parts wide open to a relative stranger who is looking at and touching them. It's allowing a part of yourself that most women kept hidden to be lit up and shown off. Better yet, you have to, because the doctor has to make sure you're healthy, right?

That aspect of control is also attractive, I'll admit. You may have noticed that I'm an "occasional sub". I've been known to switch, but I'll be honest, I prefer being on the bottom. Being controlled, completely controlled, by someone is a very, very sexy prospect. Especially when that control includes sex-type things. Most of the erotica I read, most of the porn I watch, most of the fantasies I have revolve around aspects of D/s and related techniques - see also bondage. I don't think I'd be able to do many things - including the above-mentioned exhibitionism - unless someone was making me.

But back to medical fetishism. J bought me a (plastic, unfortunately) speculum a few years ago now, while we were still in college. I rememeber it wasn't until August of that year that we finally got to use it. His remarks? "Dammit woman, you're too wet, I can't see anything." I don't know if he's put two and two together yet. Of course, I could spell it out to him. He tells me that all the time. He also tells me that if I'm interested in sex, I should just jump him. Somehow, I never do though. Part of it is that I think he should know me well enough to read my mind - or pick up on the subtle signals I give him - and part of it is the way I was raised.

Sex was never talked about in my parents' house. Ever. I never even fully realized what masturbation was - for males or females - until I was in college. The thought of touching myself never even crossed my mind until after I was dating J for a long, long time. The closest I got to sex wsa reading romance novels - something I still do to this day. But reading and talking about it are two different things.

So I'm not exactly in the habit of talking about my sexual interests and preferences - well, not anything beyond strictly vanilla things, anyway. J knows about my submissive tendencies, and a few of my more mundane kinky interests, like bondage and all that, but anything "extreme"? Not ever mentioned. Too scared. It's a miracle I even mentioned to him that I wouldn't mind maybe having my wrists tied to the bed one time maybe while we were having sex.

Not that I think he'll get rid of me just because I'm interested in something beyond the proverbial pale. I've yet to shock or otherwise freak him out, and sometimes I have tried. Sure, I haven't gone into my hypnotism or medical interests, but we have had nice discussions about wooden ponies and suction before. It's kind of a gradual process, this whole "honesty and openness" thing.

We'll see. For now I'm going to dig around in all the new groups I joined last night and get some ideas. Maybe eventually I'll even share them.

The Cast of Characters

These are in absolutely no order whatsoever. One of these days, I might alphebatize them, or do some sort of other re-org, but for now, this is how they stay.

french: the author. Mid-20's, curvaceous, switch (but mostly a bottom), progressive, dork.

Jay (also J): New and improved Jay is now french's husband!  Yay!!  (french is pretty sure that the glee over this fact is not ever going to go away).  Also a switch, but is perfectly happy to mostly top french.

Vinnie (also V): french's close friend, as well as former housemate. Gay. Been friends with french since fall of 1999, when they met in college. As near as we can tell, has at least mild interest in BDSM. french's confidante for many, many things.

Mike (also M): V's boyfriend. Lived in the house with french, Jay, and Vinnie over the summer before he went back into college. Vinnie is apparently corrupting him (and french is helping). Seems to occasionally be submissive to Vinnie.

Joseph (also JS): A mostly-internet friend of Jay and french both.  When french and Jay were broken up in 2003, hit on french hardcore.  As of 2009, he still lives across the country and still has a kid, and still has the hots for french.  Has said that he is not at all in to kink.

Hal:  One of the men in "2009:  The year of MEN in french's life".  Geeky, dorky, possibly (probably?) kinky.  Spends most of the time he sees french in flirting with her.  Has a long-term live-in girlfriend, knows french professionally and so they are not allowed to have an outside personal relationship.

Cecil: Friend of both Jay and french, lives on another side of the country from them. Also finds french attractive, but says he won't hit on her because he has a girlfriend of his own, Star. Funny, slightly spastic, employed in tech support but really wishes he could be a mad scientist.

Elizabeth: french's closest female friend, and therefore a rarity. Met french in college, where they roomed together for a year, a golden fabulous year that french often says was probably her best in college. This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that Elizabeth and french more or less spent the year completely intoxicated. Now living a few towns away from french, with her now-husband.

Rabbit: One of french's former roommates; known to french from college. A few years younger than french. Also good friends with Vinnie and Mike. Snowboards, decorates in gothic style, but has a wicked sense of humor and is a talented writer.

Camel: french's other former roommate. In grad school for the same thing as french, but in a different program. Very nice, good to live with, sometimes talks an awful lot.

Peter: Slightly older man that french hoped at the very least to add to her list of "straight male friends", because she finds it lacking. May or may not be interested in french romantically. Has gone out on a date or two with her, and is apparently interesting in going out on more. This entertains french no end, as she's never so much "dated" people before. However, has fallen off the face of the planet.

Chris: french's other roommate from August of 2005 through July of 2006, who she hated. Significantly. Chris thought that he and french were friends.

A: french's "fake internet friend" who visited the house for a while in the summer of 2004. Drove french crazy, due to his poor social skills and generally awkward demeanor. Fled back to the UK after finding out that his heart wasn't mended after all.

Everyone else is doing it...

Apparently the cool thing to do if you're in the "alternative sex" world, such as it is, is to have a blog.

That said... uh, hi.

I suppose that you'll want to know a little about me. Fair enough.

I'm in my mid-20's, living in a major Eastern US metropolis. I am college-educated, working in the field in which I got my degree... more or less. I'm currently living with my significant other of four years, J. I'm generally submissive to him, but have been known to switch. I speak French, and enjoy cooking and wine.

Generally, this blog is going to be for all the lovely little sexual things that really, I'd love to talk about, but aren't quite suitable for water-cooler conversation. And there's a lot of them.