give me another round of...

You know, I like this "going to doctors and getting answers" thing. Not only did I find out what the hell was going on with my abdomen (and yes, it's possible that it was the main source of pain all along), but I also found out what's going on with my shoulder. That's only been screwed up for, oh, five months?

Leaving the question of why I wasn't booked with the clinic's shoulder specialist in the first place, I finally saw him yesterday. Diagnosis? Biceps tendinitis and a torn labrum. Which apparently was visible on the MRI, if you were looking for it. Glad I want to see him; I like knowing these sorts of things.

Basically, the torn labrum thing (well, and the tendinitis) is something that will just have to get better more or less on its own. However, we are going to try to speed up the process using physical therapy; I have my first evaluation appointment this coming Tuesday. While PT isn't my favorite thing in the world, I'll deal with it if it means less shoulder hurting.

I really, really like having explanations for things. It makes it a lot easier to deal with if I have a label for it.

Talk about anti-climactic

Well, the good news is that I do not have a kidney infection, nor do I have any of the other potential things that quite honestly, were a bit scary. I did have an ovarian cyst that burst, apparently, which is kind of sucky, but in terms of things I would rather have it be, there's not really that many.

Better news, there weren't any more abnormal cysts on the CT scan, and now that I'm not completely losing my shit, I should really start feeling better. Which, I do. At the very least, I'm much more calm, and that really does help a lot. Things are not perfect, but at the very least I have a diagnosis, and I have a timeline besides "we don't know".

Work... kinda still sucks, but now that I have one less thing to worry about, it's a little easier to take.

Mostly what I've been up to, I guess you could call nesting. I cleaned the blankets for my bed, and I made a wreath for my front door, and I'm cooking and baking again. I'm also starting a container garden on my back porch, which so far includes garlic. Yup, pretty awesome. I'm going to put some tulips in later this week. One of my garlic cloves is already sprouting (which I am told they tend to do and is totally okay), so that is exciting, because my green thumb, not usually so green.

Other than that, I am waiting on ski season. Oh, and feeling obligated (by no one but myself) to spend Thanksgiving with Jay's family. This puts a slight kink in my plans to go skiing on Thanksgiving again. Skiing just might win out, familial relations be damned.

Brief update

Had my CT scan yesterday. Can I just share, why are there incompetent nurses out there? I had blood taken on Monday. When she jabbed the needle into my arm, I about jumped off the table it hurt so badly - and it's not like I haven't had blood taken about six ZILLION times before; I can usually tell them exactly which vein to use, and it doesn't normally hurt. This, this hurt.

Result: huge bruise on my right forearm.

Wednesday, for the CT scan, not only did I have to drink nearly a liter of barium contrast medium (which is awful, ps), and put up with the waiting room (which was awful, ps), I got to have an IV put in my left arm so that they could also inject me with iodine. I've had IVs dropped in my arms, too. She's all prepping for my right arm (guess she didn't see the GIGANTIC BRUISE), so I tell her to use the left, which I also know from experience functions marvelously for venipuncture. Again, so much pain, I about jump off the table. I do not know why this is so complicated, especially when it's your damn job.

Anyway, I have an appointment with my doctor next week to discuss the results. In the meantime, I feel like crap and haven't worked yesterday or today. I am really, really glad that my boss is 100% understanding and supportive.

Also, I napped on my couch again today, and left a truly magnificent drool spot on my pillow. I literally woke up in a puddle. It was pretty awesome.

What if I say I'm not like the others?

First, the doctor-bullshit update:

Shoulder MRI? Completely normal. So I say to the doctor, "So if it's normal, why does it hurt?" His answer? "I don't know. Do you want to do PT, or see the guy in the office who specializes in shoulders and is in fact giving a lecture on shoulders at a conference at this very minute?" I opted for the shoulder guy, and spared a minute to wonder why the receptionist didn't book me with him in the first place - considering I told her I needed to have my shoulder checked out!

Other stuff: I went to the new doctor, and holy god, my blood pressure and pulse were normal. That hasn't happened at the doctor's office for years. She sat, listened to everything, asked some questions my other doctor didn't bother to ask, poked and prodded, and is having me set up for a CT scan. She is much more willing to work with me to find an answer - but, was honest enough to tell me that nothing in medicine is 100%. I looked at her, and said "Yeah, but I'd settle for like, 75 or so", and she laughed and said "I'll bet we can at least do that."

So I feel better about that. Still hurt, still feel like crap, but, progress has been made.

This weekend, I'm going to a bachelorette party and the wedding - the party being the one I mentioned the scrapbook was requested. I still don't do overly emotional stuff, so I am opting to stop at the liquor store and bring my friend a very nice bottle of something alcoholic. I figure it's still in line with the bachelorette party theme, but does not make me want to vomit to think about it. And, I know it won't be unappreciated. I talked with Rabbit, who is one of the bridesmaids, and she agrees that a bottle of booze would not come amiss - being as how our mutual friend s well aware of how I view things like "scrapbooking" and "special memories" and "girly shit", and also happens to share my taste in beverages.

I don't like bachelorette parties anyway. Well, not ones with OMG PENIS PENIS PENIS LET'S DO RIDICULOUS THINGS IN PUBLIC PENIS PENIS PIE themes, anyway. Honestly, for mine, I am content to get together a bunch of my friends, of all genders, and go out to a bar and drink. That's it. Not a club, no games, nothing. Or maybe, go to a casino, drink, and gamble. That's it. Like, we don't need to giggle over the fact that I'm going to have sex; we're not sixteen and I've had it before. Nor do we really need to make fools of ourselves in public. It is really just unnecessary.

Also, why the hell is it that whenever I find a pair of jeans I adore, they promptly discontinue them? Like, my Gap boot-cut button-flys? Discontinued. My Venezia Supremes? Discontinued. Swear to god, they wait until I buy it, then stop it. Hate that.

Other than that, Jay's coming over tonight, which is nice, so he can keep me warm. I am enjoying the fact that the nights have been chilly again. Very much so.

Why I am angry

I'm less angry than I was last week, although still mightily pissy. My level of tolerance for bullshit is at near-record low levels, people.

As for why I am angry, a lot of it revolves around my health and my work (surprise!). The health issues are ongoing, which is why I am angry about them. Basically, I can handle being sick or unhealthy for about a week - maybe two if I'm so sick that I sleep twenty out of twenty-four hours. After a week, by god, I should be feeling better. So, since I've had a shoulder that's screwed up for three months, and random kidney-abdominal-what-the-fuck pain in my back and "suprapubic area" (no lie, that is what my doctor called it; I think it's great), I'd like to shoot something.

Also frustrating is the medical establishment. I had to harass the woman in the shoulder specialists' office for a month before my MRI was scheduled. For two weeks, she was talking to the insurance to get it covered, so okay. But the last two weeks? I know the insurance approved it, because they sent me a letter saying so. Right.

As for the kidneyesque shit, it hasn't gone away. It got slightly better two weeks ago, so I thought maybe I really was on the mend. That would be why I didn't call my doctor to schedule the CT scan on the 4th - 'cause I felt a bit better.

Last Thursday, I didn't go to work, I slept all day. Friday, I woke up in the worst pain in those areas I've had since I first got diagnosed with a freakin' UTI. So I promptly called my doctor's office, and, like she had asked me originally, left a message for her saying that we should go ahead and schedule the CT scan. Again, this was Friday. Morning.

It is now Tuesday, and I have not heard from her. So, I found myself a new PCP and have an appointment with her tomorrow. I am hoping that I will like her more than my last PCP.

I also called the shoulder specialists' office and made an appointment with that doctor to go over the MRI I finally had on Friday. I would like to share, that the tech said I did a very good job and held very still. What she doesn't realize is that this MRI, while it is true that I was in pain through it, was a hell of a lot less painful than the last one I had. That time it was for my back, and, at the time, I didn't know that I had two herniated discs. Right.

Thankfully, my boss is awesome, so I've been keeping her updated with what's going on, and she's 100% okay with me not working tomorrow morning and instead going to both doctors. She is also convinced that I have a kidney stone, but we shall see.

As for the work reasons for angry, basically, I'm filling in for a job that's not mine, but it's in an area that we're short-staffed. It's a support position, and there's one other guy in there who is full-time. The problem is that full-time guy wants to take not a whole lot of responsibility for doing, y'know, his job, which drives me up the damn wall. Any time he can pass a support issue off to someone else, he does, which is so not what he's supposed to be doing. He just is not showing a lot of initiative in figuring out issues, learning stuff, etc., which is highly disappointing. He also seems to be assuming that I'm going to pick up as much as a full-time person, and I am so not, because I so do not have time, because I'm doing all of my regular full-time job - this is just icing on the cake and a favor to my boss (which yes, I know, I know).

I'm also frustrated with another group that's testing all of our applications for next year's planned major OS upgrade, since I have to tell them information six times. I finally got to the point with one of their questions that I simply replied "Please see the attached email of [date] for the answers to your question, which I have already provided to you", and attached the previous email I sent them. Two weeks later, I got the same exact question, from the same exact person.

But my company wants to outsource more IT support. Good plan, oh yeah, excellent idea, it's really worked well so far.

And finally, I'm upset because while I like my job, and I love the people I work with, it's so not what I want to be doing with my life right now. I don't hate it or anything, but I do get frustrated with people not taking responsibility, action, or, y'know, writing shit down, and I get frustrated because I have to work, but it's not what I want to be doing.

That's pretty much it. Just a lot of crap, and a lot of stress, and a lot of feeling blah, and it all really dumped on my head on Wednesday. It's a good thing Jay is so patient, because I highly doubt that I've been extremely pleasant to deal with over the past week.

Bitchin'

So, I might still have a kidney infection. I'm not sure. I finished week two of the seriously-not-fucking-around antibiotics last week, and... this week I still have to pee all the time, and my kidney-area is still hurting me, and I'm still uncomfortable as hell. SUPERAWESOME!!!1*&$^

I realize that, right, the smart idea would be to, I don't know, call my doctor, but I don't want to for a few reasons. First, I hate her. Secondly, I hate her. C, the ultrasound of my kidneys and bladder came back completely normal, so that makes me think that maybe I'm crazy and there's nothing wrong with me (except there is), and four, I hate going to a doctor and not being told what is wrong. It's like, if I'm going to actually go and physically see the doctor because something is wrong with me, I want an answer to what is wrong with me, and a solution that, y'know, works. Guesses, speculation, and "I don't know", I can do myself, and much more affordably (just wait until you see my rates! And you thought a $10 copay was cheap).

Unfortunately, of the times I have gone to a doctor in the past five years with a problem, only once have I gotten an actual answer and a treatment that worked. That was the time I was freaking hospitalized. Other than that? "Well... try this. It might be this. We don't know why you're having these symptoms because all of the tests come back normal."

I hate that shit, yo.

Fifth, I hate her, and while I don't want to work right now, working is a much more attractive option than going to see her.

Other things I need to do include getting the damn alarm taken off my car, go grocery shopping, figure out what the hell else I'm going to eat for lunch and dinner this week (I have to do this, otherwise I revert to eating cheese and junk food for all three meals), and do something with the half of my room that is currently an unorganized pit of despair.

Sounds like a good time to catch up on my blog reading, doesn't it?

Two cranky thoughts

Can I just share, and I know it's TMI, but having a kidney infection really is not helping my sex life in any way, shape, or form. I am not in to pain, especially not bad pain.

Also, on a similar whiny note, what the hell is it with asking people to bring a scrapbook page "with a special memory and 2-3 pictures" as a shower or bridal gift? Okay, 1, I don't take pictures, and, if I do, it's because I'm on vacation alone and I saw something awesome. I can count on one hand the number of pictures I have of my friends, and 2, I seriously do NOT scrapbook. Like, for reals. Knitting, embroidery and cross-stitch, sewing, baking, cooking, painting, oh hell yeah, but scrapbooking? Please god save me. And this is the third one this year.

fuck shit damn.

Oh, whoops, I have a blog!

You know, and it's not even that I've been so remarkably busy lately that I just have not had ten minutes to sit down and blog. It's just that, well, I haven't wanted to.

Then again, I haven't wanted to do much of anything lately, which is somewhat worrisome in and of itself.

Anyway, a few updates from the past month:

1. My sister-in-law, that is, the wife of my younger brother (see also: "That's because you can comprehend the ocean"), is pregnant. Approaching four months. The baby is due in February.
2. I am knitting a baby blanket for the baby.
3. My mom's 50th birthday was last week, and Jay and I flew out. It was awesome.
4. I think my sister-in-law doesn't like me. I think she's bat-shit loony, but not because she doesn't like me - because she's bat-shit loony.
5. Brother and wife did not fly out for my mom's birthday.
6. I went to the doctor on my mom's birthday. I had been feeling "off" for, oh, a week or so, but not enough to do anything about it. I'm sitting on the plane, and thinking to myself "oh my god, something is actually wrong with me, I have pain in my lower abdomen." This pain was complemented later that night by pain in my lower right back area. Diagnosis? A UTI that had spread to my kidneys.

Yes, I had one for at least a week before I realized. What? I've never had one before.

7. Have blamed Jay for the UTI.
8. Reminded Jay repeatedly that I am on serious antibiotics for the next week. Antibiotics.
9. Jay did not have sex with me on Sunday night, and I am sad. Well, not penis-in-vagina sex, anyway, which is really what I wanted. I gave him a handjob the next morning though, which was almost as good.
10. Still feel like crap and still have pain in the kidney area, albeit not as bad - but felt crappy and tired enough to not go in to work (which may also be related to the other general malaise I've been feeling lately). Nearly done with the antibiotics. Might call the doctor tomorrow, but I hate her, so maybe I'll see if there's someone else in the office I can see.

And that concludes the updates from the past month. Oh wait, I should also talk about the bachelorette party I went to. Oh god. What a fucking shitshow.

Hang me up to dry

Oh my god, I wanted to be in bed like an hour ago, but now I'm awake and I was doing things and AAAAAGGGGG.

This weekend sucked. I was sick with a disgusting stomach bug on Saturday, so there went the plans of spending the day in bed together. Instead I kicked Jay out at like, 10 with demands for ginger ale, to hydrate my nauseous ass. It's a good thing the man loves me, 'cause he went and got some, and it was good.

Sunday we chilled out, I still kind of felt meh, and then we watched the Super Bowl, and the Bears, for whom I was rooting, started off flipping awesome and then apparently went home, 'cause Indy kind of kicked their asses. I gave up and did laundry in the fourth quarter, and truly feel like I didn't miss much, including the commercials, which sucked.

Yesterday I did household crap, today I had a lecture to go to and stopped and bought ski stuff (including goggles, which almost makes me want to cry, because I hate having things on my face) and now it's almost eleven and I should sleep because my allergies or sinuses or SOMETHING is fucked up because I had the headache from hell, am sneezing, and am all kinds of sniffly.

This sucks.

Sign in to the Blogger in Beta

Seriously people, what the fuck. "The Blogger"? Reminds me of "THE Ohio State University". Seriously.

Today was marginally less sucky than I expected it to be. One of my appointments this morning was to go to the local Planned Parenthood and get myself some pap smeared and pills, and lo and behold! No pap smearage for me. That always makes my day, but not because it's unenjoyable. Oh no, not at all. It's quite the opposite really, and the fact that I'm having a good time is just not something that I want to be obvious enough to have to discuss it with my doctor. I'm probably thinking the same thoughts as someone who hates them - "La la la, that is NOT a speculum in there, la la la, I don't have anyone looking at my naughty bits" etc. and so on - but for completely different reasons.

So far, I've been relatively successful. But still, not in the space to really test that right now.

And, they gave me pills, so that means no more condoms, which means a much happier me (Jay too, but I'm allowed to be selfish today, because... well because I said so). Stupidly, last time I broke up with him, I stopped the pill, because right, I was done dating him for good. Right. No, not right at all, I am clearly an ass. But I did, however, abstain for over a year, which I am perversely proud of.

More sucky was the fact that I do have to have my wisdom teeth out, and that there's only one day a week the oral surgeon is in the office, and it's on the first of the two days I have class. Fucking bastard; his office hours should revolve around me, dammit. But, it is a handy excuse for a week off of work, so I will be doing that as well.

Jay has known for as long as I have that my two wisdom teeth need to come out, and without my even asking informed me that he will in fact be driving me around that day. Sometimes, I really hate when he reminds me just how wonderful he is.

Again on the sucky list, I hate my paper. I normally hate papers and exams after I turn them in, but they usually turn out okay. I'm hoping that the pattern holds true, because this is a bit more severe than usual. I have a lot more specific complaints about it, and while writing it, I never really felt it come together. Too bad it's 20% of my fucking grade. Good thing I still have another 75% in papers coming up to help improve it. My professor loved my first one, which naturally, was ungraded, so hopefully she'll like this one too.

On the positive side again though, I clearly have a new best friend in class, and he's gay and devious and snarky and hilarious, and we spend all of our social policy class being pissy, because it sucks it hardcore. Love it.

One more positive - I have a rewritten resume, and applications in to like, four or five jobs already. I need to tweak it a bit more for the other potential job area I might go for, but still, much better than it was. Hopefully one of them will pan out soon, because really, my current job cannot be over soon enough.

Jay is coming over on Friday; too bad I'll be exhausted from work. Still, might ask for a good beating anyway. Amazing how having the outlet of not being in charge makes me feel better about life.