Well that's nice

Somehow it always seems like there's so many things that are higher on the priority list or in the way of sex and sex-time around here.

For example! I have turned down sex because I really, really needed to go grocery shopping.  Yes right that very minute.

I mean, yeah, we needed food, but it's not like it couldn't have been rescheduled until the next day.  We weren't going to starve overnight.

The hell of it is, it always seems like such a good idea at the time, to put off sex.  Like, yeah, let me just do this one thing and then I'll come back and we'll pick up where we left off.  I need to get some responsible adult on.

We never.  EVER.  pick up where we left off.

How can we?  We're not in the same space and place anymore.  I've gone off and distracted myself and Jay and done something else and there's no getting it back.

I fear that if I give in to sex whenever I want it, I will never, ever get anything under the "responsible adult" category done, such as grocery shopping, laundry, or cleaning.  And one thing I've learned about myself over the years is that I need to get a minimum level of responsible adult stuff done in order to feel like a functional, healthy human being.  (I am fully aware that this is my hang-up, and don't expect it to be anyone else's).  Like, if there's not enough food in the house, I freak. out..  I have noticed a distinct correlation between my mental state and the amount of clutter in the house, or dishes, etc.

To be honest, this is really just scratching the surface of why my sex life has been, well, fairly non-existent lately. There was the emergency house re-wiring that took two weeks and tore everything up (including our playroom, and I haven't had the spoons to go up there and clean yet), there's the fact that my job has me burnt the hell out and therefore I could probably go to a psychiatrist and walk out with a Major Depression diagnosis (if not anything else - but again, my hang-ups about getting diagnosed are my own), the fact that we've just been busy.  There was not a single night last week where we were home for dinner.  Not a single one in seven days.  For my introverted ass, that is a LOT.  And it cuts down on sex times!  There's the fact that ever since my last period, any sort of breast bondage or torture is extremely, exquisitely painful for me, and not in the good way.

The obvious answer is "well then reprioritize", and I'm not sure I want to.  I mean, I want to, but, effort, you know?  And a lot of what we've been doing I like that we're doing.  And overcoming inertia is very, very difficult (physics ftw!)

Just... yeah.

Accomplishments

Well, we did finally get the bench be-hooked - hopefully we'll be trying that out this week. 

In addition, we bought some supplies for a wooden pony, because I've wanted one of those for like, oh, six years or something now. I found these delightful metal brackets for making easy sawhorses at Home Depot (how much do I love that store? A lot.) a while ago, and picked them up as I thought they'd make a good basis for a pony. We finally went tonight and got wood for the legs, sandpaper, varnish, etc., to finish the rest of it. For the top I got a piece of really nice "premium" pine that already has a rounded edge. It's just a matter of sanding it a bit more, putting the varnish on, and then putting it together. We'll probably have to make some height adjustments too, but that's what power tools are for.  That should hopefully be done this week as well.

Also acquired is a Twitter account for me. Apparently all the cool kids are doing it? Either way, you can find me here, or, you know, that button-thingy on the side there.  Sometimes I have things to say, but not what I think is a whole blog entry, so I'm hoping to post on a regular basis there, even if I don't post long things here so much.

The holidays, we spent in a blur of visiting family.  His, and mine.  His is more local to us, so that was just a drive; I have family all over the damn country, so there were multiple flights involved.  I would like to register, for the record, that I do not like the TSA's tactics of either a groping or a nude-o-scope scan for "security".  It doesn't do anything to make us demonstrably safer and violates my rights as an American citizen.  Plus, the only people who have seen photographs of my naked flesh are Jay and Joseph and I'd like to keep it that way.

I know it's popular this time of year to make resolutions, but I've never been the type.  On the Twitterscope is a New Year's "Revolution" that the Health at Every Size community there is getting going, which I can definitely support.  I am all for radical acts of self-love and acceptance.

But I don't do resolutions.  They've always felt... contrived to me, I suppose.  And rather arbitrary.  I mean, if they work for you, go right the hell for it, and good luck.  But they don't work for me.

Still, it's hard to avoid reflecting at the turn of another calendar page, so a couple of the things I'd like to change for this coming month and year include:

• Getting the hooks on the delicious bench we bought so that I can be both spanked AND restrained on/to it.
• Sorting through the toys and moving the better part of them to the designated play room (which IS painted, cleaned, and carpeted!)
• Getting over my hangups and posting more often. (The hangups, they are legion.)

I say "post more often" all the time, but yeah, I don't post regularly.  I'm honestly not in the blogging game to rule the world, have a gazillion fans or followers or friends or whateverthehell - although I do appreciate each and every one of you!  I'm not here to make money, either.  I'm here because sometimes, I just really need an outlet for some of the thoughts in my head that aren't what are typically classified as "socially acceptable", and this space works pretty well.  So thanks to you for joining me, on those irregular occasions, and Happy New Year to y'all.

Vacations, etc.

So what have I done in the past two months?  Gone on vacation, and gone on another vacation, and booked plane tickets for yet another, and in between worked a lot.

I did go to the public kinky event I was freaking out about, and it was actually okay.

And then I worked some more.

I am still working with Hal, I am still talking with Joseph, and Jay and I finally finished the space we were working on converting in to a play room.  I even bought a bench to put in there, now I just have to figure out where to put the hooks on it so that someone can be restrained on it easily.

And then I worked.

And now I do actually have to get my ass to work, but I did want to post on here - no I am not disappearing for good, I was just super-busy.

Reasons why I can't believe anyone in their right mind considers me an adult

• 8 am meeting?  Let's stay up until 3:30 reading trashy romance novels?
• Oreos?  Why, those sound like a fine breakfast!
• Lunch?  Wait, I'm supposed to eat again?  Ugh.  I'm hungry,  yeah, but there's no fooooood right here.
• OH GOD I AM SO HUNGRY AND THEREFORE ANGRY RAAARRRRGHGHG SMASH
• heheheheheheh accidental dong heheheheheheh
• Wait, you mean I'm supposed to listen to the voice mail, and then call people back?
• "Clean all the things? :(" (FYI, I laugh EVERY TIME I READ THIS)
• Fuck, I should really bring a lunch with me to work.  How about let's go to bed instead of packing one.
• DAMMIT IT'S 3 PM AND I'M AT WORK AND THERE'S NO FOOD AND I AM HUNGRY GODDAMN YOU ALL
• Spending six hours reading sex blogs, rather than do anything like, oh, laundry, cook, dishes, etc.?  Hell yeah.
• Nachos?  Totally an awesome dinner.

Well fuck me.

I've discovered that there is certain music that I really, really shouldn't listen to at work.

Backing up a moment.  As a coping skill, I frequently have my iPod going at work, with my headphones on.  It provides a layer of isolation from the environment that I really, desperately need right now.  I am so not capable of dealing with hearing people's conversations and being aware of when people are walking past and etc. and so on.  So it helps keep my stress level down, as well as helps me concentrate on work.

Problem is, there are certain songs that really, really get me thinking about things I probably shouldn't at work.  See, I'm a dancer, and dancing?  Dancing is just socially acceptable public foreplay.  Really good dancing is dirty.  And I can do hell of dirty dancing.

So, there's a lot of music I have specifically because it's very danceable, and lately, when I hear certain of the songs, good goddamn, my brain is treating me to all sorts of very, very dirty dancing scenarios, usually either with Hal or Jay.  And it frequently evolves from dancing - again, see also foreplay - to very explicitly sexual situations.

Apparently my brain thinks I need to make use of a very specific chair in my house.  For sexual purposes.

And apparently my brain thinks that I'm not having enough sex (actually, I agree with it on that).

You know, which is all well and good, except for the whole part where one, I don't have an office with a door, and two, I'm supposed to be, you know, working.  One of these days I'm going to have the wrong look on my face when the wrong fucking person walks by and that is just going to be a bad scene, y'all.

On the notion of consent and personal responsibility

Okay, this has come up a lot lately, all over the internets, and I've been leaving a lot of comments about it, so clearly it's time to write an entry about it.

DEAR INTERNETS:

First, go read this entry, so that you have the basic vocabulary you'll need to understand this post.  It's okay, I'll wait.  (For extra credit, read everything on this page.)

Done?  Good.

So let me break this down for you all.  The person at fault in a sexual assault, regardless of what that sexual assault is, is the person doing the assaulting.

Additionally:  If you do not have clear, explicit, enthusiastic consent from a person you're interacting with, you're assaulting them.

(Cue trolls regarding my tone, also cue trolls regarding taking personal responsibility.)

Here's the thing about taking personal responsibility.  Regardless of what personal responsibility I do or do not undertake, I am still not responsible for other people's actions.  If you want to do something to or with me, I should be consenting to that.  If I'm not, you're assaulting me and need to fuck off and leave me alone.

That goes regardless of what clothing I wear - since clothing can't give consent on my behalf for anything.  That goes regardless of what bars, clubs, restaurants, venues, or streets I visit - since the only consent I have clearly given is to be in that place.  That goes regardless of what activities I undertake - since the only consent I have clearly given is to be doing said activity and nothing else.

For example!  If I am riding the subway, here is the list of things I have explicitly consented to:

1. Riding the subway.

Here is the list of things I have not explicitly consented to:

1. Conversation.  With anyone.
2. Being groped or otherwise sexually assaulted, including being flashed.
3. Being punched or otherwise hit.
4. Being hit on (see also:  conversation).
5. Being stared at as if I were an object specifically put there for your amusement, entertainment, etc.
6. Anything else that is not riding the subway.

See how that works?  Here, I'll do another one for you.  I'm a dancer.  I dance ballroom, I dance in clubs, I dance socially.  When I am out dancing, here is the list of things that I have consented to when I have walked in the door to the venue:

1. Being at the venue.
2. Probably being asked to dance.

Note how being at the venue does not mean I have consented to dance with you specifically.

If you do ask me to dance, and I accept, thereby giving my consent, here is what I have consented to:

1. Dancing with you at this point in time.

See that?  Okay, now here is the list of things I have not consented to by being at the venue and consenting to dance with you:

1. Talking while dancing.
2. Being groped.
3. Being humped.
4. Going home with you.
5. Having a drink with you.
6. Being surrounded by your friends.
7. Dancing with you the rest of the night.
8. Having sex with you.
9. Taking you home.
10. Having sex with you on the dance floor.
11. Being touched by you in any way that is not prescribed by the dance (in ballroom, you have to touch in certain places/ways)
12. Anything else that is not dancing with you at this specific point in time.

Have I made myself clear?

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that gives us lessons like "if a girl's wearing a short skirt, she's a slut", and "sluts all want it, no matter what they say".  Please be assured, these lessons are wrong, so wrong, so wrong I can't even tell you.  I got the same lessons as everyone else.

But here's the thing.  Even though we all were taught these lessons, we are not obligated to follow them.  If anything, we're obligated to unlearn them and not follow them, because they're fucking wrong and lead directly to things like rape.

And because of those lessons we all got, I can take all the personal responsibility in the world - never going to a club, never going dancing, always wearing modest clothes - hell, wearing a burka - never walking alone at night, learning self-defense, all of those sorts of things - and it is still possible for me to be sexually assaulted.  As in that link I posted earlier, the only way I can ever truly prevent my self from being assaulted is to never be in a room with a rapist or person who commits sexual assault, which is kind of fucking difficult seeing as how they don't all have nice big signs on their foreheads alerting me to the fact that they are in fact the kind of person who would assault someone.  Because we teach people that it's okay to rape.  It's okay to assault.  That clothes can give consent, that sluts are out there and just asking for it, that you're more of a man the more sex you have.

(cue trolls about how well then obviously I want everyone to just never interact)

Here's the other thing.  None of this precludes my being asked.  None of this precludes you trying to strike up a conversation while we're dancing or riding the subway, none of this precludes your asking me if you can buy me a drink, none of this precludes you asking me if I'd be interested in going home with you, none of this precludes your asking me if I'm interested in making out, fucking, doing anything else.  Asking is not the problem.  The problem is either, you don't ask, you assume, or, you do ask, I don't consent, and you go ahead anyway.

If you strike up a conversation with me, and I don't immediately jump right in and participate?  I'm not consenting to the conversation.  If you ask me in the club if I want to go home with you, and I don't immediately enthusiastically agree that's a great idea?  It's because I don't think it's a great idea, and I'm not consenting.  If we're making out, getting all hot and heavy, and you put your hand in my pants and I don't immediately moan, start grinding, say "oh yes" or otherwise make it really, really fucking clear that I liked that, I'm not actually consenting to that.  If you continue to converse with me, or continue to try to convince me to go home with you, or keep your hand in my pants, fuck you, I haven't consented.

If we are dancing, and you figure it's okay to hump me?  If we're in the club and you assumed we're going home?  If you're sitting next to me at the subway and figure it's okay to just talk at me?  If we're making out and you figure that means clearly I want some piv sex?  Fuck you.  I haven't consented to any of the things you've figured on or assumed.   Don't give me this "grey area"  or "misunderstanding" bullshit that I see so often.  If you are paying a modicum of attention to the world, and are at all a decent person, it should be pretty fucking easy for you to figure out if the person you're doing things with is consenting.  And if it is at all not clear?  You can fucking ask, and in fact, are obligated to.

The person doing the initiating is obligated to make absolutely sure they have consent to continue before continuing.

See how that works now kids?

Here's the other thing about consent:  capitulation is not consent.  For example, if someone is attempting to rape me, and I figure I have better odds of surviving and being less physically injured if I just let them rape me, rather than try to fight them off, that does not mean that I have consented to sex with them.  It means they are raping me, and I have capitulated out of survival instinct.

And here's the last thing about personal responsibility:  the person who needs to take some fucking personal responsibility in an assault is the person doing the assaulting. 

LOVE, FRENCH

And here you thought you were predictable!

For a long time I would have said that when I'm mightily stressed, I'm completely uninterested in sex.  This week - well, this past month, really - seems determined to prove me wrong.

I work full-time, as does Jay.  I'm not in the field I'd prefer to be, but I do something I'm damned good at, and I like my boss, so that helps.  Work's been... busy.  Really busy.  I don't have enough hours in the day, etc. and so on, blah blah blah.  Added on top of the busy bullshit, this has been the week of my name getting associated with shit that is so not even close to my demesne.  I have job duties.  I'm pretty clear about them with people.  And no less than four times in the past three days has my name been listed as the responsible one for things that I don't even have the slightest clue about.

That is intensely frustrating for me.  If I might indulge in a bit of bragging, I know a fuckton of things.  I am a wealth of knowledge, which is actually part of my job description.  But I don't lie about what I don't know - I'll be very blunt and upfront when it comes to telling people I don't have a fucking clue.  And I'll also be blunt and upfront when it comes to telling people that it's not my job, and they need to speak to the person who does own it.

So when others fuck up and put me on the hook for things I shouldn't be, I am irritated.  I am even more irritated when it results in hundreds of emails and phone calls to me (oh, if only I were kidding).  Let's talk about the fact that answering my phone is pretty much my least favorite part of my job, hmmmm?  (And how my voicemail is now changed, and I don't have to answer it this week, with my boss' permission.)

So a lot of things have been conspiring to make me stressed.  And I, oh, I am all about the sex.

Jay and I have had sex every night for the past week, and almost every night for the past month.  Joseph is all up in my business again (shocking, I know) and that is totes okay with me.  Hal's been on his game as well, and let's talk about the lovely comments we've made to each other.  The imagination?  In overdrive.  And the dreams I've had!  Good lord!

And yet I am so stressed that rather than join Jay at an activity tonight that we both enjoy and I adore, I opted to stay home.

What.

To be sure, I am not complaining.  I am slightly confused, but I am not complaining (okay, maybe I'm complaining about not being able to go two nights without dreaming of Hal in an inappropriate way, but other than that...).  Perhaps my self has decided that since sex is a highly effective stress-reliever, it does not behoove us to not indulge?  Who knows.  But good lord!

Project plans

One of the biggest selling points of our current house was that there are enough rooms that both Jay and I can have our own, separate offices, and we can also have a guest room.  Jay and I are both the type of people who need space of our own, to do our own crap in, etc. and so on.

Better yet, my office is up on the third floor, which means there's a whole floor between it and the downstairs neighbors.  Meaning I can be up there with the stereo blasting, working on whatever I like, and they don't hear me.

And perhaps best of all, I can paint my office.

The office is currently getting painted a lovely deep dark blue called "Nocturnal Sea".  Eventually a painted, glow-in-the-dark moon and stars will go up there as well, and I've already bought a room-sized rug for it.

Once it's done, I will have a nice little office.  And Jay and I will have a nice little playroom, with a conveniently-located attic in which to store some of the larger pieces we're thinking about building, such as a wooden pony, and a spanking bench, and a bondage frame.

Sure, we could buy them, but where's the fun in that?  I <3 power tools.

We'll also have a nice bureau in which to store some of our toys, like the honkin' huge (seriously, it is titanically huge) dildo I just bought!  Apparently right now I am very interested in insertions, specifically, large ones.  Good times!

There will also be hooks for canes and crops and paddles and such, and nice thick curtains so no one can see in.  And air-conditioning, because fuck this summer heat and humidity, seriously.

The second coat of paint goes on this weekend, and then the stars, and then the rug and OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY.

Some times you feel like a beating!

Some times you don't!

(Yes, I am singing that to the tune of the old Almond Joy/Mounds jingle, why do you ask?)

One of the things I've gotten more aware of as I've gotten older (you'll note I did not say wiser) was that my life tends to move in cycles.  Oh sure, there's the usual circadian rhythms, and the menstrual cycle, and blah blah blah, but I'm talking more, and more overarching.

I've noted that I have an overarching cycle in my life, for example, with my appetite.  I cycle back and forth between a highly diminished appetite, where I can go all day without eating and nothing is very interesting, and a very enhanced one where I need to eat about every fifteen minutes and everything sounds DELICIOUS.  Similarly, in terms of how easy it is for me to get up early in the morning, how interested I am in interacting with other people, how interested I am in leaving my house and going out and being social, and how interested I am in bottoming.

Well, that last, it varies from "please beat me ALL DAY THANKS", "yeah, a beatin's 'aight", "touch me and I'll break your arm", and "I can beats you nao?"  But, you know.  It cycles.

When I first noticed this, well, it caused me some worry.  OH MY GOD I would think WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING.  You see, I frequently question myself.  I shouldn't really, but I do it anyway.  And clearly since I was not interested in any sort of submissive or bottoming activities, that meant that a, I was screwed up, b, I wasn't really a submissive/bottom, and/or c, I really need to not do that.  Mostly it was d, all of the above.  With a dash of "how the hell did that seem like a good idea".

Hey, I didn't say it made sense.  However, it is more or less what I thought.

I'm in one of those "please to be beating me all days thank you" phases right now, which I haven't been for a while.  It is delightful.  I'm past worrying that my ever-changing desires make me wrong, or broken or whatnot.  Now we're working on enjoying what's happening right now.  Easier said than done, but I think worthwhile.

Also linked to that is working on communicating with Jay as to where I'm at and what I'm looking for.  Again, easier said than done.  It's one thing for me to know something in my head and be aware of it, and quite another to verbalize it.  Words have power for me, and giving Jay the words to describe what I want gives him power.  Whether I trust him or not is secondary to that, really - certainly trusting him as I do doesn't make it any easier for me.  But... working on it.

Working on a lot of things, really.

Naked time!

It is about a MILLION DEGREES out here right now, which I am NOT A FAN OF. It's only May 2!  It's not supposed to be hot until at LEAST June!

Yeah, that had about the effect on the weather you think it did.

On the plus side, there are curtains on the windows.  We had guests up in March (oh fuck, that was March already) and that prompted me to move really quickly through the rest of the "getting the house put together" business that I'd been neglecting since we moved in.  Oops.  Well, no, since I got it finished in time.  But... yeah, so I'm not the most prompt about that.

But as I was saying, there are curtains on all the windows now, so we can have the windows open and the curtains drawn, so we still get air but can wander around naked if we like, and seeing as how it's about A MILLION DEGREES OUT, that's on the plan.

New year! Sweet lord!

My god, when did it get to be mid-January.

Oh wait.  After the frenzy of making sure I had Christmas gifts for everyone, including the in-laws (which, oh god, what a challenge - what do you get people you don't know well, aren't fond of, and who have everything they want anyway, especially when your partner is no help?), wrapping and shipping gifts as required, driving two days each way to see my family for the holiday, driving back home for New Years, having Vinnie up for New Years, going back to work, working on two routines for dance showcases at the end of the month, having friends over, attending a couple of birthday parties and OH RIGHT working... yeah.

I really would have liked to ring in the new year with something, oh, KINKY, but with Vinnie up that wasn't going to happen.  True, we now have a guest room, and it's not right next to the bedroom, and both doors were closed, but still.  And now that Jay and I are both working long hours again, we pretty much get home at night, eat something, vegitate, and go to sleep.  We just haven't had the energy to do much else.

Sad part is, we're both working on major projects for work, so who knows when that will change!  Seriously, we like our jobs, but UGH.

However, one of my goals for the next year is to blog once a week.  SO.  Even though I may not be participating in anything kinky,  I am going to make the effort to talk about it.  That should be a good time, right?

Right?!

Blah.

I'm not sure when it got to be 2 am, and how it got to be 2 am without my getting done much of anything I wanted to.  The lights still aren't on the Christmas tree, laundry is still unfinished, the new computer still isn't set up... but hey, I tagged a whole bunch of posts and read a whole lot of crap on the internet!

*sigh*

I also have like, no Christmas presents bought for anyone - for most people, I have ZERO IDEA what I'm going to get them.  My house is a mess and I'm having people over in early January, I don't know what I'm going to bake, this coming week at work is going to be insane...

Eh.  Whatever.  I think I'm going to go to bed.

On maturity

I wasn't kidding when I said that 2009 was the year of men in my life. There's a lot to unpack with that, so I'm going to try to not blow the entire load in one entry because that would be silly (blogging hang-ups: I haz them), but I do want to talk about it.

First and foremost, Jay and I got married early this year. That didn't really change our relationship (except legally), I don't think. We've been together for most of the past 10 years (ten years! TEN YEARS, dear god, ten years). We've lived together, lived apart, shared bills, slept in the same bed practically since we met each other, been to each other's family gatherings and holidays and weddings and funerals, and been a linked pair in most of our family's and friends' minds for a long time now.

People keep asking me how it feels to be married, as if it were some life-altering totally radical change in our relationship. I don't have an answer for them, because it did not radically alter our relationship. We giggle that we're married, and are ridiculous entertained by referring to each other as "husband" and "wife". Yes, we're twelve, what of it? But the fundamentals of our relationship have not changed. I refer to him as my partner for a number of reasons, but first and foremost because that's what he is. We've both worked hard - damned hard - to have a relationship of equals, and just because cultural baggage says we're not, doesn't mean I want that.

What it has changed, however, is our relationship to other people.

I'm told the term I'm looking for may be "Saturn Return"

I've been working my way through the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2009, and discovering lots and lots of fantabulous new reading material.

My blogroll is sadly out of date.

Hell, this blog is sadly out date. Yes, it's been well over a year since I've posted here. At the time I really dropped off, August of 2008, I had moved with Jay to a crappy tiny apartment, I had a crappy job that sucked the life out of me (almost literally; I wound up distressingly ill while working it), my life was a mess.

Clearly, some things have changed.

There's so much to write about! 2009 has been the year of men in my life! We moved to a brand new apartment that has a room we're seriously considering making a semi-permanent playroom! There are hooks more or less permanently attached to the head and footboards! Jay and I got officially married! I have a much better job, that while I hate it, doesn't make me sick! I have been thinking about and wanting and having sex again!

Seriously. Part of my adult identity has been my libido and sexual tastes, and for a while they were just... gone. It was fairly distressing. Added to all of the other things that were fucking my shit up last year, and the tail end of 2008 and, if we're honest, probably the first half of 2009 were a head-fuck of gigantic proportions.

But now that things have started progressing again, it occurs to me that having this self-created safe space to verbally work out some of the things in my head and in my life is probably a helpful, useful thing, and it probably behooves me to utilize it.

So. I'm back.

And updating my damn blogroll, jaysus christ that thing is a mess.

to put the world to rights

You know, it's really difficult to take pictures of really tall boots while you're wearing them. At least, I find it difficult to get a picture that I like.

A week or two ago, I had asked Jay if he'd be willing to indulge me in what I believe I termed as "serious rope". Not so much predicament bondage, or anything that would cause me pain in any way, but being seriously tied up and immobilized by vast quantities of rope. There's a kind of zen in being unable to move like that, in the presence of someone you love. I needed that.

For whatever reason, we haven't managed it yet. We've both been tired - me more than usual; hating my job tends to make me sleepy, which I am ascribing to mild depression - and busy. I spent the weekend at a friend's house last weekend, which also didn't afford us many opportunities to do anything. And, Jay being Jay, he wanted to have a definite plan in mind.

I'm not posting this to complain, however it might seem. But... I still need that moment of calm. I need to feel that giving up of the effort to control everything - giving up that feeling that I have to be in control, like I have to be in charge and be a rational adult. It's difficult for me to relax completely unless I'm forced to. Rope just happens to be a really good way of calming me down, and giving me the ability to let go and just be. It's one of the few things that can reliably shut my nattering mind up, without giving it extra things to work over later.

My calendar is looking rather free on Saturday at the moment. I think that I will be penciling him in, if he's amenable to the idea.

Still don't want to have sex.

You know, judging by the fact that I took work off today so that I could sleep and avoid it, and reading back on all the entries here about how annoyed at work I am and generally feeling crappy, I have come to the conclusion that it is, once again, time to find a new job.

My current job is not, so not, in the field I want to be in right now. I mostly took this job because it would be easy, low-stress, and something that would not interfere with graduate school. Admittedly, it did that admirably. It also pays me well and is pretty flexible, and my boss is very understanding about little things like health problems.

However, this job is also boring the bejesus out of me. At this point, it's too easy. I feel like I have completely mastered any and everything they've thrown at me in the past year and a half. Also, I have a new boss. Theoretically, this also comes with new duties, which were supposed to happen the beginning of this month, then they were supposed to happen at the end of March, and now they're supposed to be "in progress" right now and totally my deal by the end of March. This is part of the ongoing reorg that the department I'm in is going through, and it's totally being handled poorly. Just like it has been for the past year.

The thing is, even with the new duties, I'm not going to be doing what I want to do, which, right now, is social work. Admittedly, that's easier to do if I finish my degree, and I'm probably not going back to school until next year, at this point, for a number of reasons. But, current job is stable, current job theoretically is giving me a huge raise soon, and theoretically also giving me better benefits soon.

The new duties are also not going to distance me very much from the annoying people that I hate. You know, the ones that are incapable of reading their email, instead preferring to call me six times to ask the same question that I answered in the email to them three weeks ago. Yeah, those people. Still going to have to work with them. All set with working with them. You do not even know how all set.

So at this point, I have to figure I have a couple of options, looking something like this:

• Stay in job, suck it up, deal with it, and wait until new duties come along, hoping that the raise goes through and then I will really be able to put away some dough. This is likely to result in an extremely poor state of mental health, if my history is anything to go by.
  
• Stay in job, and start volunteering again at the agency I was at before graduate school. This would likely alleviate some of the worst pangs of "ugh, this is not where I am meant to be," but still doesn't solve the problem of idiocy. Yes, I know, idiocy is everywhere, but at least if I moved, it would be different idiocy.
  
• Stay in job, and see if I can't get back in to grad school for this year. Part of the reason I left grad school, was that they would not work around the fact that I had a 9-5 job, even though I was in the program specifically for people with jobs. Part of the reason I'm not back yet is because I want to make sure that if I go back into a program, they really are going to work around the fact that I work, and not just give lip service to the idea.
  
• Get a new job.

The first is right out. I'm already to the point where I'm calling off of work because I hate it, so really, making zero changes ain't going to cut it. I am undecided on the other three. Any bright ideas?

My house looks like a tornado hit it

Best part? I haven't even been here for the past two weeks. And I didn't even host any parties! It's all leftovers from frenzied baking, present-wrapping, packing for trips, etc. and so on.

Pretty much the entirety of the past two months has gone by in a blur. From painting Elizabeth's house in early November, to Thanksgiving with Jay's family (oh god, why was that a good idea) to Christmas with mine and New Year's out of state and this and that and that other thing and HOLY CHRIST I have no idea where I just spent two months and sixteen hojillion dollars. Can't tell you.

I am not ready for it to be 2008. I am not ready to go back to work (which is why I didn't today). I am not ready to tackle the unpacking, the laundry, the cleaning (jesus christ, there's a spiderweb between my couch and my bookshelf), the restocking of food and coming up with healthy things to eat and the getting back on track with being healthy and just EVERYTHING. I am not currently prepared to cope with life as usual.

So I am going to put up my feet. I am going to do up my new calandar (that cost me twenty freaking bucks! What the fuck!) because that will make me feel more organized. I may or may not sign in to my work email. I am going to get myself a glass of wine, of which I bought a ridiculous amount this past weekend. I am going to throw my ski clothes in the wash, and then I am going to watch the Doctor Who Christmas special because I STILL haven't goddamned managed to do that!

I hope you all had wonderful holidays, whatever or however you celebrate, and wish you all the best in 2008 (jesus, it's 2008, that's horrifying).

What if I say I'm not like the others?

First, the doctor-bullshit update:

Shoulder MRI? Completely normal. So I say to the doctor, "So if it's normal, why does it hurt?" His answer? "I don't know. Do you want to do PT, or see the guy in the office who specializes in shoulders and is in fact giving a lecture on shoulders at a conference at this very minute?" I opted for the shoulder guy, and spared a minute to wonder why the receptionist didn't book me with him in the first place - considering I told her I needed to have my shoulder checked out!

Other stuff: I went to the new doctor, and holy god, my blood pressure and pulse were normal. That hasn't happened at the doctor's office for years. She sat, listened to everything, asked some questions my other doctor didn't bother to ask, poked and prodded, and is having me set up for a CT scan. She is much more willing to work with me to find an answer - but, was honest enough to tell me that nothing in medicine is 100%. I looked at her, and said "Yeah, but I'd settle for like, 75 or so", and she laughed and said "I'll bet we can at least do that."

So I feel better about that. Still hurt, still feel like crap, but, progress has been made.

This weekend, I'm going to a bachelorette party and the wedding - the party being the one I mentioned the scrapbook was requested. I still don't do overly emotional stuff, so I am opting to stop at the liquor store and bring my friend a very nice bottle of something alcoholic. I figure it's still in line with the bachelorette party theme, but does not make me want to vomit to think about it. And, I know it won't be unappreciated. I talked with Rabbit, who is one of the bridesmaids, and she agrees that a bottle of booze would not come amiss - being as how our mutual friend s well aware of how I view things like "scrapbooking" and "special memories" and "girly shit", and also happens to share my taste in beverages.

I don't like bachelorette parties anyway. Well, not ones with OMG PENIS PENIS PENIS LET'S DO RIDICULOUS THINGS IN PUBLIC PENIS PENIS PIE themes, anyway. Honestly, for mine, I am content to get together a bunch of my friends, of all genders, and go out to a bar and drink. That's it. Not a club, no games, nothing. Or maybe, go to a casino, drink, and gamble. That's it. Like, we don't need to giggle over the fact that I'm going to have sex; we're not sixteen and I've had it before. Nor do we really need to make fools of ourselves in public. It is really just unnecessary.

Also, why the hell is it that whenever I find a pair of jeans I adore, they promptly discontinue them? Like, my Gap boot-cut button-flys? Discontinued. My Venezia Supremes? Discontinued. Swear to god, they wait until I buy it, then stop it. Hate that.

Other than that, Jay's coming over tonight, which is nice, so he can keep me warm. I am enjoying the fact that the nights have been chilly again. Very much so.

Why I am angry

I'm less angry than I was last week, although still mightily pissy. My level of tolerance for bullshit is at near-record low levels, people.

As for why I am angry, a lot of it revolves around my health and my work (surprise!). The health issues are ongoing, which is why I am angry about them. Basically, I can handle being sick or unhealthy for about a week - maybe two if I'm so sick that I sleep twenty out of twenty-four hours. After a week, by god, I should be feeling better. So, since I've had a shoulder that's screwed up for three months, and random kidney-abdominal-what-the-fuck pain in my back and "suprapubic area" (no lie, that is what my doctor called it; I think it's great), I'd like to shoot something.

Also frustrating is the medical establishment. I had to harass the woman in the shoulder specialists' office for a month before my MRI was scheduled. For two weeks, she was talking to the insurance to get it covered, so okay. But the last two weeks? I know the insurance approved it, because they sent me a letter saying so. Right.

As for the kidneyesque shit, it hasn't gone away. It got slightly better two weeks ago, so I thought maybe I really was on the mend. That would be why I didn't call my doctor to schedule the CT scan on the 4th - 'cause I felt a bit better.

Last Thursday, I didn't go to work, I slept all day. Friday, I woke up in the worst pain in those areas I've had since I first got diagnosed with a freakin' UTI. So I promptly called my doctor's office, and, like she had asked me originally, left a message for her saying that we should go ahead and schedule the CT scan. Again, this was Friday. Morning.

It is now Tuesday, and I have not heard from her. So, I found myself a new PCP and have an appointment with her tomorrow. I am hoping that I will like her more than my last PCP.

I also called the shoulder specialists' office and made an appointment with that doctor to go over the MRI I finally had on Friday. I would like to share, that the tech said I did a very good job and held very still. What she doesn't realize is that this MRI, while it is true that I was in pain through it, was a hell of a lot less painful than the last one I had. That time it was for my back, and, at the time, I didn't know that I had two herniated discs. Right.

Thankfully, my boss is awesome, so I've been keeping her updated with what's going on, and she's 100% okay with me not working tomorrow morning and instead going to both doctors. She is also convinced that I have a kidney stone, but we shall see.

As for the work reasons for angry, basically, I'm filling in for a job that's not mine, but it's in an area that we're short-staffed. It's a support position, and there's one other guy in there who is full-time. The problem is that full-time guy wants to take not a whole lot of responsibility for doing, y'know, his job, which drives me up the damn wall. Any time he can pass a support issue off to someone else, he does, which is so not what he's supposed to be doing. He just is not showing a lot of initiative in figuring out issues, learning stuff, etc., which is highly disappointing. He also seems to be assuming that I'm going to pick up as much as a full-time person, and I am so not, because I so do not have time, because I'm doing all of my regular full-time job - this is just icing on the cake and a favor to my boss (which yes, I know, I know).

I'm also frustrated with another group that's testing all of our applications for next year's planned major OS upgrade, since I have to tell them information six times. I finally got to the point with one of their questions that I simply replied "Please see the attached email of [date] for the answers to your question, which I have already provided to you", and attached the previous email I sent them. Two weeks later, I got the same exact question, from the same exact person.

But my company wants to outsource more IT support. Good plan, oh yeah, excellent idea, it's really worked well so far.

And finally, I'm upset because while I like my job, and I love the people I work with, it's so not what I want to be doing with my life right now. I don't hate it or anything, but I do get frustrated with people not taking responsibility, action, or, y'know, writing shit down, and I get frustrated because I have to work, but it's not what I want to be doing.

That's pretty much it. Just a lot of crap, and a lot of stress, and a lot of feeling blah, and it all really dumped on my head on Wednesday. It's a good thing Jay is so patient, because I highly doubt that I've been extremely pleasant to deal with over the past week.