Back in satin

Remember a few days ago how I got back into the proverbial swing of things with my slight (more than slight) medical fetish?

A part of that was sending out an email over a certain Yahoo! group, stating my general location, and that I was seeking a thourough, realistic exam. And now we come to another of my many sins.

The odds of me actually following through on any of the offers I may receive from this email are slim to none. Of course I fantasize about a "real" exam. But to go get one, from a stranger I met on the Internet? Not so much. And let's not talk about the whole "cheating whore" aspect, either, okay? I already know. I've also already thought about it, and the thought of cheating on anyone I'm exclusively fucking, especially J, is anathema to me.

Nonetheless, I have an insatiable curiosity. Too bad it often runs to "let's see what happens if...", involving many people. So, I sent out that email last week.

I've gotten 9 responses in the past two days.

One of them actually raised my faith in humanity a bit. It's from an experienced player in the scene, saying he's glad I know what I want, but warning me of the dangers of some of the activities I expressed interest in. It was polite, truthful, and actually pretty nice. Like I said, it raised my faith in humanity. I'm glad that there are still decent people out there - well, decent for the internet, anyway.

The rest were a mixture of poor spelling and lasciviousness, mostly. From my experience, when you announce that you're a submissive in any way, shape or form in some sort of public forum online, 98% of the "dominants" assume that you're a doormat and desperate, and stupid in the bargain. Just by emailing you and addressing you as "slave", "slut", "whore", you will automatically be subservient to them and start following their bidding. You're a slave, that's what you do, right?

Sure it is. When I'm with someone I trust, and whom I know quite goddamn well. No one on a mailing list or personals site qualifies for that. Let me repeat that: no one on a mailing list or personals site qualifies for that.

Trust is built up over time. Trust can only happen when you start to really get to know a person. You don't really know that person who just responded to your personal ad - just like they really don't know you. Sometimes that last part is really obvious by what they include in their message. I've had guys email me "id luv to fuck ur ass u little slut" when my profile specifically says that I don't do anal. Obviously reading is not fundamental (nor is spelling, nor is grammar).

So when I get emails from people who obviously aren't concerned with anything but how they can get off, I immediately delete them. It might be considered rude, but I figure by not even showing me a modicum of respect from the get-go, they were rude first and I am well within my rights to respond in kind. I find it very difficult to respect anyone who believes it's perfectly fine to show me absolutely none.

There was one emial in this particular batch that I was interested in though. Not only did he tell me where he was, how much experience he had, and how much stuff he had, he told me exactly what process he uses to sterilize it, and outlined the general proecedures he uses for the more dangerous things. I was fairly impressed, truthfully. He seemed to know what he was talking about with the sterilization, which gives me the impression that he actually does it. He would have to travel though, and I seriously doubt that he'd arrange to have an actual exam table travel with him. There goes that idea.

Another was appealing and frightening at the same time. The guy has a table, and then goes on to tell me how he's got all sorts of leather restraints for it, and how maybe I could come dressed up as a secretary going for a work physical and then I could see the table and not want to do it and he'd strap me to it anyway and cut off my clothes. It's a nice little fantasy, even if it does have that "playrape" flavour to it. But I'm not going to let a near stranger restrain me in any way, nor do I have enough money to spare to just have clothing cut off of me. Sure, I could meet him for coffee or something, get to know him, etc. and so on, but I think it's a bad sign if you're starting off this way. What, are you trying to scare me away from you?

What I didn't get from any of the responses was exactly what I wanted: a practitioner near to where I live, with a real exam table, in possession of various specula and other medical instruments, who could give me a relatively realistic exam - and then go a bit beyond that. You know, gyno takes advantage of the woman on the table. I don't want to have sex with any of these guys, but is it too much to ask that we play doctor and then you make me orgasm? I don't think so.

Ah well. I should know by now that finding things of this nature online isn't all it's cracked up to be. Maybe I'll get off my ass and start going to the local munches; make some friends, and find someone that way.

That would of course require me to leave my house...

Everything in its right place

This past weekend was definitely not the time for any sort of sexual exploration, solo or with J. We spent the weekend moving - we got a new, gorgeous, huge apartment with fabulous accouterments and suchlike, for a very affordable price. We couldn't pass it up.

A definite benefit of this new place is all the space. We more than doubled the square footage available to us by moving here. In our last place, we ran into a few problems - with the bed, my desk, the dresser, and the bookshelves in the bedroom, we had maybe five square feet of open space to work with - I wish I were kidding. The living room wasn't much better; we had a couch, cocktail table, end table, and tv table in there, and that had to share space with our former flatmate's dining room table. Not a whole lot of open space there either. Overnight guests had to sleep on the floor, and there was barely enough space for that in either my room or the living room.

The mention of the flatmates brings up another problem: flatmates. In an apartment with paper-thin walls. On the second floor of a three-floor building. Abutting two other apartments. Not exactly conducive to some wild, shrieking sex and/or games. Everything had to stay in our small little bedroom, and it had to stay quiet, for fear that the neighbors would call the cops, or that we'd wake up the flatmates. So much for a good spanking. And never mind spending a weekend in submissive service!

But like I said, the new place is much better. Not only is our bedroom roughly twice the size of the old one, we have a living room (bigger than the combined living/dining room in the old one), a separate dining room, an eat-in kitchen, and two other bedrooms. One of those will eventually be occupied by V, a close friend of ours - but that's not until the end of the month. And since we're in a two-family home, the only neighbors close enough to potentially hear are the landlords, who live upstairs. However, given that this is an actual house, the walls are a lot thicker. I haven't heard more than a few heavy footsteps all day.

So, J and I are in a huge, wide-open apartment, by ourselves for the entire month. He's mentioned to me that he already has a few ideas for things we can do - I believe most of them involve me naked and wearing a collar. This coming weekend ought to be quite interesting.

I don't belong here

Last night in the course of amusing myself before bedtime, I fell back on what is becoming an old standby: Yahoo! groups.

If you've ever searched for any sort of "adult" material on there, you know what I mean. If you haven't, go there and search for something like "submissive", or "lesbian", or any other sort of prurient interest you have. Then, simply read the descriptions of what comes up.

I never knew nuns were allowed to be submissive lesbians.

While searching, I came across another old standby of mine - medical fetishism. Of course there's groups for it; there's a group for everything (as evidenced above). Some of them even have really, really good pictures and stories - made even better because they're free.

The attraction to gyno exams - the main branch of the fetish for me - is the vulnerability, I think. Here you are, legs spread, your most intimate parts wide open to a relative stranger who is looking at and touching them. It's allowing a part of yourself that most women kept hidden to be lit up and shown off. Better yet, you have to, because the doctor has to make sure you're healthy, right?

That aspect of control is also attractive, I'll admit. You may have noticed that I'm an "occasional sub". I've been known to switch, but I'll be honest, I prefer being on the bottom. Being controlled, completely controlled, by someone is a very, very sexy prospect. Especially when that control includes sex-type things. Most of the erotica I read, most of the porn I watch, most of the fantasies I have revolve around aspects of D/s and related techniques - see also bondage. I don't think I'd be able to do many things - including the above-mentioned exhibitionism - unless someone was making me.

But back to medical fetishism. J bought me a (plastic, unfortunately) speculum a few years ago now, while we were still in college. I rememeber it wasn't until August of that year that we finally got to use it. His remarks? "Dammit woman, you're too wet, I can't see anything." I don't know if he's put two and two together yet. Of course, I could spell it out to him. He tells me that all the time. He also tells me that if I'm interested in sex, I should just jump him. Somehow, I never do though. Part of it is that I think he should know me well enough to read my mind - or pick up on the subtle signals I give him - and part of it is the way I was raised.

Sex was never talked about in my parents' house. Ever. I never even fully realized what masturbation was - for males or females - until I was in college. The thought of touching myself never even crossed my mind until after I was dating J for a long, long time. The closest I got to sex wsa reading romance novels - something I still do to this day. But reading and talking about it are two different things.

So I'm not exactly in the habit of talking about my sexual interests and preferences - well, not anything beyond strictly vanilla things, anyway. J knows about my submissive tendencies, and a few of my more mundane kinky interests, like bondage and all that, but anything "extreme"? Not ever mentioned. Too scared. It's a miracle I even mentioned to him that I wouldn't mind maybe having my wrists tied to the bed one time maybe while we were having sex.

Not that I think he'll get rid of me just because I'm interested in something beyond the proverbial pale. I've yet to shock or otherwise freak him out, and sometimes I have tried. Sure, I haven't gone into my hypnotism or medical interests, but we have had nice discussions about wooden ponies and suction before. It's kind of a gradual process, this whole "honesty and openness" thing.

We'll see. For now I'm going to dig around in all the new groups I joined last night and get some ideas. Maybe eventually I'll even share them.

The Cast of Characters

These are in absolutely no order whatsoever. One of these days, I might alphebatize them, or do some sort of other re-org, but for now, this is how they stay.

french: the author. Mid-20's, curvaceous, switch (but mostly a bottom), progressive, dork.

Jay (also J): New and improved Jay is now french's husband!  Yay!!  (french is pretty sure that the glee over this fact is not ever going to go away).  Also a switch, but is perfectly happy to mostly top french.

Vinnie (also V): french's close friend, as well as former housemate. Gay. Been friends with french since fall of 1999, when they met in college. As near as we can tell, has at least mild interest in BDSM. french's confidante for many, many things.

Mike (also M): V's boyfriend. Lived in the house with french, Jay, and Vinnie over the summer before he went back into college. Vinnie is apparently corrupting him (and french is helping). Seems to occasionally be submissive to Vinnie.

Joseph (also JS): A mostly-internet friend of Jay and french both.  When french and Jay were broken up in 2003, hit on french hardcore.  As of 2009, he still lives across the country and still has a kid, and still has the hots for french.  Has said that he is not at all in to kink.

Hal:  One of the men in "2009:  The year of MEN in french's life".  Geeky, dorky, possibly (probably?) kinky.  Spends most of the time he sees french in flirting with her.  Has a long-term live-in girlfriend, knows french professionally and so they are not allowed to have an outside personal relationship.

Cecil: Friend of both Jay and french, lives on another side of the country from them. Also finds french attractive, but says he won't hit on her because he has a girlfriend of his own, Star. Funny, slightly spastic, employed in tech support but really wishes he could be a mad scientist.

Elizabeth: french's closest female friend, and therefore a rarity. Met french in college, where they roomed together for a year, a golden fabulous year that french often says was probably her best in college. This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that Elizabeth and french more or less spent the year completely intoxicated. Now living a few towns away from french, with her now-husband.

Rabbit: One of french's former roommates; known to french from college. A few years younger than french. Also good friends with Vinnie and Mike. Snowboards, decorates in gothic style, but has a wicked sense of humor and is a talented writer.

Camel: french's other former roommate. In grad school for the same thing as french, but in a different program. Very nice, good to live with, sometimes talks an awful lot.

Peter: Slightly older man that french hoped at the very least to add to her list of "straight male friends", because she finds it lacking. May or may not be interested in french romantically. Has gone out on a date or two with her, and is apparently interesting in going out on more. This entertains french no end, as she's never so much "dated" people before. However, has fallen off the face of the planet.

Chris: french's other roommate from August of 2005 through July of 2006, who she hated. Significantly. Chris thought that he and french were friends.

A: french's "fake internet friend" who visited the house for a while in the summer of 2004. Drove french crazy, due to his poor social skills and generally awkward demeanor. Fled back to the UK after finding out that his heart wasn't mended after all.

Everyone else is doing it...

Apparently the cool thing to do if you're in the "alternative sex" world, such as it is, is to have a blog.

That said... uh, hi.

I suppose that you'll want to know a little about me. Fair enough.

I'm in my mid-20's, living in a major Eastern US metropolis. I am college-educated, working in the field in which I got my degree... more or less. I'm currently living with my significant other of four years, J. I'm generally submissive to him, but have been known to switch. I speak French, and enjoy cooking and wine.

Generally, this blog is going to be for all the lovely little sexual things that really, I'd love to talk about, but aren't quite suitable for water-cooler conversation. And there's a lot of them.