Saturday, December 18, 2004

Bother and damnation

Not that he actually was, just that I'd had a vision thereof. JS is still firmly ensconced on the opposite side of the country from me.

We talked on the phone only once - for about two hours. I'm not a huge phone person, but a plea of "I'd just like to hear your voice", and it being 2 am and having nothing better to do, was hard to resist.

The thing was, J and I were back together by that point. It was difficult to admit that I loved J, but was still attracted to JS. I didn't do much of either, really. JS tried to call me on a few times, which I can't blame him for. What I did with him after J and I got back together wasn't necessarily right, but it was certainly enjoyable.

Oh, we never had another naked webcam show, but we'd still flirt, trade sexual innuendos, even a few risque pictures and the like. We're still very, very attracted to each other.

After I moved, JS dropped out of sight for a while, but I wasn't worried - I tend to do the same. Then I started getting hints that he had a girlfriend, or at the very least a woman he was seeing semi-regularly. I honestly can say that I was happy for him, because I knew that for a good long time, nothing could come of the "romance", as it were, between us, and that he needed someone who actually lived near him.

I talked to him soon after. Sure enough, he did have a girlfriend. Who was supposed to be a fling, but was a month pregnant. Who has the same name as me.

Well isn't that just a delightful turn?

He's always wanted children, and I know he'll be an excellent father - he's too committed to the idea of raising children right for him to be anything else.

The thing of it is, it hasn't really changed our relationship much. He came right out and said that he fully expects that, all of our other relationships aside, he and I will wind up in bed together someday, and that's the very least we owe each other. He also said that he'll always have some love for me, no matter what, no matter when.

It was touching, and reaffirming - I'd more or less expected a good sweaty bout of sex with him in the future myself, and it was good to know that I was on the same page still. But the comment about love really got to me. Yes, I'll always feel fondly about him, and it doesn't surprise me that he feels the same. But at the same time, I can't help but think that I'm setting up his current relationship to fail - never mind my own. I certainly don't want to lose touch with him, but I don't want to talk to him too often, because I don't want to be that woman, and have another female with my name (and who I have a sneaking suspicion resembles me) after my ass for breaking up her relationship. I'd be pissed in her shoes.

I don't think she suspects what has gone before between JS and myself - I know that J doesn't know, and I want to keep it that way. There's nowhere that JS and I can go, so why should I have the argument and strife with J? Anyway, I don't think the anti-french - or is that other-french? - knows. Or, if she does, she's remarkably tolerant. I know she's seen some of the things I've said to him over IM since I found out about here, and while they weren't risque, they bespeak a familiarity I have with him. I get the impression that she and I would get along perhaps a little too well for the liking of any male in the vicinity.

Ah well. For now, JS has to be a dream - a lovely one, at that, and one I find myself having on a regular basis - but a dream nonetheless. The time isn't right, but someday it will be. Hopefully I'll figure out what's going on with J before then.

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