Tuesday, June 01, 2004

You can keep this suit of light

My training in biology, psychology, and to a lesser extent, sociology, has taught me that you cannot separate the three - not completely.

Someone comes to you, they're clinically depressed. They have a psychological condition. Underlying this could be a chemical imbalance; a physical cause. It could also be caused by the environment in which they're living - family that's emotionally manipulative and abusive, an unfulfilling job, a lack of space to call one's own - a sociological, community cause. The main problem is the psychological one, but in a way it's just the symptom of the underlying physical or social problems.

To properly treat it, then, you have to treat all of it. Prescribing an anti-depressant treats the symptoms, and may help with a physical cause, but it won't do a thing for anything else. The generally accepted "best" therapy for depression is a combination of therapy - to treat the social causes - and medication - to treat the physical causes and alleviate the symptoms. It addresses the entire person, and the entire problem.

So it's really no surprise to me that the sociological factors in my life are affecting my mental and physical states so strongly. For various reasons which I will not enumerate here, I am worried. This worry brings my natural anti-social tendencies to the forefront of my personality; I believe the last time I left the house was about a week ago. I'm not even particuarly in the mood to converse with my closest friends - not that I feel I have much to say at any rate.

Mental states can be physically paralyzing; I'm smart enough to know that I'm allowing this anxiety to be. On the other hand, I realize that at least at some times, I'm forced out of that paralysis. One of those is when I finally manage to cook, which will be much more often now that V has moved in. To wit: we had roast chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, from-scratch crescent rolls, and brown sugar asparagus for dinner tonight - well, last night; I haven't slept yet. And I was happy! We sat around the table, talked about things that most people wouldn't consider polite conversation - one day and already we're talking about sexual practices my mother would likely deny the very existence of - and enjoyed ourselves and our dinner. I wasn't thinking about what's causing me worry, I wasn't off in the corner curled up with a headache, I wasn't grinding my teeth, I wasn't cranky.

I did get confirmation that V believes that I am a Domme, too. I remarked that I'd been hurried when I made the rolls, and J mockingly said that they were horrible and that we shouldn't eat any, he'd just have to eat them all so that we'd be spared the horribleness. I said, "well, you'll just have to beat me later." V: "More like you'll be doing the beating." I put on my faux innocent look and said "...maybe". V crowed in truimph "We can smell our own." I didn't bother correcting him; I switch, that counts, right? He's here for one day and already the subject is coming up.

But back to the previous train of thought. Another thing that will kick me out of my rut forcibly is that V and I are flying out to my parents' tomorrow. The main reason is that a close friend of mine is getting married this Saturday, and V and I are going to the wedding. J couldn't get off of work, so V is escorting me instead - which is fine with me, V is a better dancer! But it's also my parents' 25th wedding anniversary, as well as the first weekend in recent memory that both of my siblings will be in residence at the same time as me. My brother is also bringing his girlfriend, so the house will be overflowing with people. In that sort of situation, it's not likely that I'll be allowed to sit on the couch all day and avoid everyone. It'll be good for me, even if I'll miss J terribly.

It also means that I won't get to play with J at all for a week - admittedly, when I'm stressed out, it's not what I want anyway, but I've a feeling that once I get forcibly cheered up I'll be craving it. I'll just have to jump him when I get home, and in the mean time flesh out a few ideas I've had floating through my head.

Maybe even when I am not in my best and brightest mental state I should get myself in my best and brightest physical state - which usually involves rope, leather, and lots and lots of sex. Endorphins are much better than any sort of happy pill a shrink could prescribe anyway. And J's much better looking than a lot of doctors.

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