Thursday, September 02, 2004

they're not gonna get us

One of the downsides to my job is that I get to listen to the "pop" and "top 40" crap that teenagers nearly invariably listen to, which is very much not along my usual musical tastes. Pity me, for I have far too excellent of a memory for music. I find myself singing songs I don't even fucking like, simply because they're stuck in my head. On the other hand, they're all impressed how after a few weeks I can sing along with everything on the radio as well as they can, so maybe it's not all bad.

On our way home from picking me up after work, V asked if I wanted to play cards - his euphemism for me giving him a tarot reading. Since work tends to get me to close down that aspect of myself - the subject of another ramble - I agreed, as I figured it'd be a good way to get back in touch with that side of myself again.

I ate dinner, V did some dishes, then we lit some of my incense and one of his candles, and we did up some tarot. I gave him a reading - which is usually never hard, because I know what's bugging him even if he won't articulate it - and he reciprocated. I didn't have anything in particular in mind, but surprise of all surprises, got what I was thinking about anyway.

My relationship with J isn't always as good as I'd like it to be, or even as good as I have sometimes made it out to be. When I'm honest with myself, I admit that there are needs of mine that he just doesn't fulfill - like having a mature partner who doesn't need reminders to get up in the morning and go to work. A partner that doesn't leave dishes and belongings and just crap all over the house all the time, expecting someone else to pick up. A partner that can remember what they're supposed to be doing from one moment to the next. A partner that is going somewhere in life. A partner that I feel comfortable and trusting in submitting to, who wants me in that position, and can take that gift and do something with it. J has his moments, but at times like these they seem particularly few and far between.

Admittedly, we had a great time in California, for my brother's wedding this past weekend, but even then, there were little reminders - evidence that he has a nasty habit of not thinking beyond himself and the moment. It really bothers me at times that I need to think for two people. That's not my job in this relationship, and even if it were, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it unless I'd seen that he could do it for himself.

It just feels like I need to take care of him - not as a lover and submissive to her lover and Master, but more as a mother to her child. I don't mind cooking dinner, doing laundry, keeping a clean house. I do mind cleaning up after, prompting to go to work or do work, repeatedly reminding about appointments, repeatedly prompting about minor details like new clothes, haircuts, etc. and so on, and a million other little things that make me feel as if I'm mothering him. I don't want to - and he swears he doesn't need it - but his behavior persists and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

Those things - and other circumstances surrounding the relationship - were heavy on my heart as I shuffled, and sure enough, they came out in the cards. I have been putting off making a change or decision in this case. I can't come up with one that's perfect enough for my tastes - well, other than a drastic overnight change on J's part, and I know that won't happen - so I don't want to make one at all. I know that's just letting other things or people make the decision for me, but it's so much easier to blame them if it goes wrong.

V was right though, a change needs to happen. The thought of finding an online - or local - dom and fulfilling that need in that manner occurs to me far too often lately. While I hesitate, because sharing intimacy like that feels so badly like cheating to me, still, it's a need I have, that isn't getting met. Yes, I submit to J on occasion. But I don't think it's often enough, and given that we're in a relationship anyway, I don't feel that he's capable of that. I don't think, in a lot of ways, that he's capable of being an adult with me, and the rest of his peers.

On the other hand, he does have positives - I have to be fair here! He's extremely, extremely intelligent. He cares very deeply for the few people he does feel close to. He's very unflappable, which is good when I'm flying off the handle - he's my ground, which I sometimes need. He's pretty handy around the house (when he gets around to it, usually after a month of, well, nagging on my part) (and not to say that I'm not, but sometimes it's nice to have someone else do it because I'm busy with other stuff). He really is like a big ticklish puppy-dog in some ways. And let's not forget the sexual compatibility.

This blog entry is really just another way to put off making a decision. Deep down inside, I'm already sure of the decision I want to make, I just don't want to admit it to myself and implement it. Perhaps that speaks to a lack of maturity on my part. But the current status quo is the devil I know, and I already know his tricks, and how to put the chains on. The devil I don't? Who knows what he would bring.

Something needs to change, though.

No comments: