Some times you feel like a beating!

Some times you don't!

(Yes, I am singing that to the tune of the old Almond Joy/Mounds jingle, why do you ask?)

One of the things I've gotten more aware of as I've gotten older (you'll note I did not say wiser) was that my life tends to move in cycles.  Oh sure, there's the usual circadian rhythms, and the menstrual cycle, and blah blah blah, but I'm talking more, and more overarching.

I've noted that I have an overarching cycle in my life, for example, with my appetite.  I cycle back and forth between a highly diminished appetite, where I can go all day without eating and nothing is very interesting, and a very enhanced one where I need to eat about every fifteen minutes and everything sounds DELICIOUS.  Similarly, in terms of how easy it is for me to get up early in the morning, how interested I am in interacting with other people, how interested I am in leaving my house and going out and being social, and how interested I am in bottoming.

Well, that last, it varies from "please beat me ALL DAY THANKS", "yeah, a beatin's 'aight", "touch me and I'll break your arm", and "I can beats you nao?"  But, you know.  It cycles.

When I first noticed this, well, it caused me some worry.  OH MY GOD I would think WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING.  You see, I frequently question myself.  I shouldn't really, but I do it anyway.  And clearly since I was not interested in any sort of submissive or bottoming activities, that meant that a, I was screwed up, b, I wasn't really a submissive/bottom, and/or c, I really need to not do that.  Mostly it was d, all of the above.  With a dash of "how the hell did that seem like a good idea".

Hey, I didn't say it made sense.  However, it is more or less what I thought.

I'm in one of those "please to be beating me all days thank you" phases right now, which I haven't been for a while.  It is delightful.  I'm past worrying that my ever-changing desires make me wrong, or broken or whatnot.  Now we're working on enjoying what's happening right now.  Easier said than done, but I think worthwhile.

Also linked to that is working on communicating with Jay as to where I'm at and what I'm looking for.  Again, easier said than done.  It's one thing for me to know something in my head and be aware of it, and quite another to verbalize it.  Words have power for me, and giving Jay the words to describe what I want gives him power.  Whether I trust him or not is secondary to that, really - certainly trusting him as I do doesn't make it any easier for me.  But... working on it.

Working on a lot of things, really.