No.

It is 9:00 pm. This is the earliest I have gotten home all week.

*shoots self*

I also won't be around this weekend. Jay and I are leaving tomorrow after work for a quickie weekend skiing trip. It'll be awesome, and I totally want to go, but I also totally want to not have anything on my schedule for a good long time.

Dual purpose

You ever have something where you like it, but you don't know if you like that you like it?

I got a smallpox vaccine last week, so I have to keep it bandaged up, and was highly recommended that I keep that arm covered up with clothes, to protect the people around me. It's not like they'll die - or that I will - it's just that the vaccine is really contagious and the virus used causes ridiculously itchy pustules, so if I managed to rub the pus or touch it and touch something else, it can be spread really easily. I told Jay all this, so he allowed as how maybe my wearing a nightshirt to bed was a good idea, rather than sleeping naked and on top of him like I usually do.

So I got ready for bed last night and took off my clothes and put on my nightshirt, and left my underwear on, 'cause that's what I've been doing all week. It's been damn cold, and I need the extra layer! Jay naturally starts fooling around - and maybe it had to do with the fact that I encouraged him to come over a day early with promises of sex - and gets to the fact that I, am wearing underwear.

"What is this?" he asks.

"My underwear!" I promptly reply. Since about three milliseconds after that, I realized that may not have been the best reply possible, I follow up with one of my cutest smiles in the world, hoping that will solve any issue.

It didn't of course, but he didn't do anything at first, just informed me that clearly, they needed to not be on, and that fact should be remedied. I figured I was more or less off the hook.

In a way I was - I wasn't punished or anything. But I was definitely reminded, very clearly, of the rules. Namely, we were in bed, that means He is in charge.

He loves to pinch and twist my nipples, and there was some of that. He loves to spank me, and there was some of that. But what really did it for me, was he put his hand on my neck.

He doesn't even have to put pressure, as I believe I have mentioned before. All he has to do is just put His hand around my neck. And I am a fucking goner. I am internally freaking my shit out, hating every minute, in that "oh my god this is amazing I am clearly going to cum here" way.

I did, by the way, but god, I hate that shit.

Or maybe I just hate that I love it.

Reminder

french, you are paying a ridiculous sum of money to get a Master's degree. You are not allowed to drop out, no matter how idiotic, irritating and ineffective the administration of your school is.

I am my own sugar daddy

Everyone has their issue that tweaks them out. For some people it's food or weight, others it's emotional stuff. For me it's money.

I freak my shit out if I am not working. I also freak it out if I don't have enough money in savings. I am one of those people that is scared to look at my bank statements even when I know there should be money in there. I haven't balanced my checkbook since sometime near when I first got a checking account, and quite frankly, have no interest to. Hate money, hate dealing with it.

Somehow, all the bills for the house are in my name. What the hell, people.

I also go through phases with how I spend money. For the past, oh, four months or so, I have been in a "I HAVE NO MONEY I WILL NOT SPEND IT" phase. No buying drinks, no extra things, just paying the bills, buying gas, the usual. This is good, because it means that I have money. This is bad, because it means that I don't like to buy groceries and things of that nature.

This week has been a "holy crap, I have lots of money, I can buy some of this stuff!" phase. See, I keep a list of things I need/want to get. Things like new tires for my car, a headboard, new bras, pieces of furniture, new shoes. You know. Stuff. And I bought some stuff this week.

I bought a pair of nice, work-appropriate black heels, and a very nice pair of work-mildly-appropriate-good-thing-I'm-young-for-the-office high-heeled, knee-tall boots - with lace-up backs. Also am buying a baker's rack for my kitchen (that I've wanted for about three years), and a new bedframe/headboard for my bed (again, wanted it about three years).

You know, if I ever got a Master that rationed me on purchases, I would so not have an issue, 'cause I do it to myself. Christ.

Clearly, I need to find some balance here. Feast or famine is not the way to go. On the plus side, I have a retirement account, I have two savings accounts, and my health insurance is about to get cheaper. But still, need to fix this.

In the meantime, I am going to go see how my new boots look with that black leather skirt I bought last year, that has been waiting for the perfect pair of shoes.

Things I learned this weekend

1. Jay likes gagging me. Like, really, really likes gagging me.
2. I don't mind being gagged. The gagging itself is good for me. The copious drooling? Not so much.

I am too young for this shit

Signs I am losing my mind:

1. I write down everyone's birthdays in my planner, along with the age they are turning during the year. I just copied everything over in to the new one. All of my ages last year were wrong - by varying amounts of time. Even for people like my mom, and I have had her birth date memorized for a long, long time.

2. I have two cell phones - one that is mine, one that is work's. I bring both of them to work. The other day, I was wearing nice pants, so my phone went in my bag, since it couldn't go in my pocket. I needed something off it, so I set it on my desk. I then proceeded to go to a meeting. After the meeting, I didn't see it on my desk, so I spent a good five minutes digging through my bag and going through my desk drawers and filing cabinets looking for it. I never put my phone in the pocket of nice pants. It was in my pocket.

3. I have been wearing a watch every day since I was like, twelve. I managed to leave the house without my watch today.

An organized mind

It's interesting to me, how people evaluate relationships.

Jay and I were sitting on my couch, messing with my wireless card (for which he found a workaround today). During the course of the conversation, it comes up that he considers me the most important person in his life.

I couldn't decide whether I felt warm-and-fuzzy or wicked confused and uneasy. The former, because who doesn't want to hear things like that? The latter because, well, I wasn't sure if I could say the same.

I've been turning it over in my head for the past day, and I still haven't come to a conclusion. I just don't rank people in terms of "importance". If you asked me who the most important people in my life were, I'd naturally list Jay, but I'd list my mom and dad, my little sister, my grandma, Elizabeth, a few others. But there is no one person on that list that I would say is "most important". They are all important for me, for very different and unique reasons.

That seems to be the problem: I don't have a single standard that I measure people by in my life. Everyone has their own niche. Sure, I have wide groups of people - family, close family, close friends, acquaintances, co-workers, whatever - but I don't have a list, from one to whatever, of people ranked by how well they do x or personify y.

Jay is amazingly important to me, and I would do things for him that I would do for no one else. But that doesn't make him more (or less) important than my grandma, who had a very strong hand in raising me, or Elizabeth, who is the sister I didn't have growing up, or anyone else in my life.

Being the most important person in his life is a lovely sentiment, and I'm honored (and a little frightened) to be there. But I just can't say the same. It doesn't make sense with the way I organize my world.

Correction: Fuck Windows

I poked around with my wireless some more tonight, being as how I've mellowed out some. Card was using the most recent drivers and utilities. Network was working fine. Hmm.

*poke poke poke*

Well what have we here? Windows managed to turn on its firewall! Oh goody! Why on earth do I need a software firewall when I have a perfectly good hardware firewall sitting over there on my desk?

I turn off the firewall. Magically, my wireless connects.

Fuck you, Windows.

Just to be clear, I'm an idiot.

Can you tell I was angry this weekend?

I'm not entirely sure where all of my anger - my anger that was completely out of proportion to anything that was going on this weekend - came from. Part of it, I think, is just good old hormones. I'm due to start my period on Tuesday, and while I love this pill, apparently my body still likes PMS once in a while, the bitch. The other, I'm pretty sure I haven't been eating enough lately.

Hannah just posted about how being hungry makes her angry. And now that I think about it, I think I have in the past - or at least I wrote a draft; who knows if I posted it. But really? Low blood sugar makes me a raving lunatic bitch. Jay has started asking me when the last time I ate was lately, because I am one of those idiotic people that sometimes forgets to eat, subject to rants in comedy routines and hatred from everyone.

Well, maybe it's not so much forget, as realize I should eat, and then get distracted and not get around to it. This is for many reasons - sometimes I am wrapped up in something I can't tear myself away from. Sometimes I can't figure out what to eat, so I don't. Sometimes I have an idea of what I want to eat, but it would require lots of effort to make and I probably don't have the ingredients, so I'd rather not, thanks, 'cause I'm lazy. But yeah. Forget to eat.

I clearly need someone in my life who is in charge of making food appear for me at the proper time. Any volunteers?

Fuck wireless, and fuck you too.

For Christmas, Jay bought me a wireless router and a matching wireless card for my laptop. I'm sure there are people out there that are thinking "he gave her what", but I assure you, this was an entirely appropriate and appreciated gift. We're both dorks, after all, and it saved me from having to buy it.

Now, he gave it to me right before I was leaving for my parents' house, so I wasn't going to set it up. He was not allowed to set it up for me either - last time he set up some computer-type thing for me when I hadn't wanted it set up, it resulted in the thing being broken shortly thereafter. So he's not allowed to set things up for me anymore.

I finally set the damn thing up the other day. Now, I have to mention here, I've been working in IT off and on for almost a decade.

Holy crap, almost a decade. I need a minute here.



So it's not like I don't know anything about networking or computers or crap, right? The router comes with an "Easy set-up cd!" that I use because I'm lazy. Being that I'm not an idiot, I choose to have a secured wireless network and set up a key for it and everything.

I then tell Rabbit, my roommate, to try connecting to it, since she's got a Powerbook with internal wireless. She can't - oh, because the key that I assigned to the network? Not actually what was put into the router settings by the set-up cd. In fact, none of the security settings I specified were actually applied. Awesome. Fucking shitheel. No wonder everyone else in the neighborhood has an unsecured network.

So I change that, and she's connected. Awesome, I have wireless router. Time to put in my wireless card and get that set up.

The wireless card also has a set-up cd, which I promptly use. I go through set-up, restart, and referee the fight between Windows and the card's software as to who will be in charge. I declare the card software the winner, and it opens up.

And promptly hangs my computer.

I'm sorry, but you really have to try to make that happen. But fine, I'll do a damn hard reset, and you'd better work next time.

It does it again.

I tell it to fuck off and use Windows, except that Windows can't actually find the network that it should damn well be able to find seeing as how the AP is sitting less than ten feet away.

Fine. Fuck you both.

I got back to the proprietary software and wrangle with it for nearly an hour in an attempt to actually get it to save the settings I want and then connect. Finally, finally, it works. I am connected in a wireless fashion, I no longer have cat5 snaking across my bedroom floor, life is pretty good.

Now, I'm also on a green kick, seeing as how it being sixty in January really isn't good for my health in a lot of ways. So, my computer currently goes on standby after twenty minutes of idleness, and hibernates when I shut the lid. In both cases, once I wake it up, it should go back to where it was.

For a while, this was happening. Then, then, we have yesterday. I wake the thing up, and the wireless card won't connect. It saved the settings, the router was up and working, my roommate was having no trouble, but my wireless card would not connect, no matter what I did.

Once it was finally set up, it was definitely under the category of "I push the button and it works". Since it was not cooperating, I pulled the fucking piece of shit card out, threw it onto my couch... somewhere... and proceeded to plug in my damn cat5 again.

This is why we cannot have nice things people, because the nice things are non-functioning pieces of shit.

Jay is all sad that I am not using the wireless card. I told him to go fuck himself. I'm a bit hormonal, so I'm extra angry. As far as I'm concerned, everyone and everything can go fuck themselves/itself. If you want me to use the gift, give me something that actually fucking works.