Sunday, January 31, 2010

If this is what getting older entails, I am NOT INTERESTED.

While digging around in old computer backups tonight looking for some music that somehow fell OUT of my iTunes library, I came to the realization that I have turned down a shocking, shocking number of opportunities of the sexual nature in my life.

At this point in my life, I have to admit, my first reaction is whyyyyyyy.

Like, there were three guys in 2003 - THREE - while I was NOT with Jay, who were all about it.  Why on earth did I not do anything about that?  Seriously?  What the hell was I thinking?

There was another guy in 2005.  Didn't do a blessed thing.

There's been a few more this year (okay so odd-numbered years tend to be good, okay).  There were all the guys in college who I didn't realize until well AFTER college that they were hitting on me.

Christ I feel fucking stupid.

To be a bit more fair to myself, I do know a bit of what I was thinking.  High school having done a number on me but good, the idea that anyone found me attractive was not a feeling I trusted.  I never quite believed that anyone genuinely found me likeable and attractive in a sexual sense.  I always figured they had some ulterior motive that generally involved my public humiliation.

Then there was the fact that I was brought up to believe that you shouldn't have sex before marriage, and once you're married, you stay married.  I still believe in the second, although the first I've done a lot of work to unlearn.  However, again in 2003, while I'd gotten around it to the point where having sex with Jay was okay, it wasn't completely okay, and the idea of having sex with more than one person in my lifetime was ZOMG WTF scary.

Still, the older french thinks the younger french was a bit of a frikken dipshit.  Just... CHRIST WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU AUGH GOD.

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