This post is mainly to remind myself that having a crush on Joseph is a stupid idea of epic proportions.

Didn't stop me from spending twenty minutes googling him, though.

I am an idiot.

I've seen it before

Last night I wound up conking out for sleep by 11:30, which is rather early for me. Considering that normally I'm working until 11, that's wicked early. Still, I'd only gotten three hours of sleep the night before, and I had been up early, so nothing worrying.

I fell asleep with the full knowledge that I'd miss Joseph if he came online, and while that ensaddened me, I went to sleep anyway. I alluded in my last post to some history there, and what that was really about was that any time he and I get pseudo-eInvolved in any way, I get all crush-y and romantic. Well, as romantic as I get, anyway.

Now, I'm fully aware that he lives with his girlfriend (maybe ex? who knows) who happens to have borne his child. That, naturally, complicates things for me. I despise the thought of being "the other woman". But at the same time, it rather entertains me. He was attracted to me long before he met her, after all, and that attraction, as far as I can tell, has done nothing but intensify. Besides which, ultimately it's his problem if he runs in to trouble there; we're all adults, after all, and responsible for our own actions.

I am an awful, awful person. Except I don't feel that way.

Anyway, this morning my sleep cycle was all kinds of messed up, since I'd retired so early last night. Thankfully, I woke up around 6, to discover my power had gone out. I was wide awake, and decided to go back to sleep. I woke up three more times before my alarm at 10, and each time, it was from dreams of Joseph. Lovely dreams, really. The kind of dreams that make a woman smile and feel luxurious and langorious. And hopefully harbingers of what could happen this summer, if he flies out here to visit. I want them very much to come true. I'm back in the throes of my crush. Perhaps not as bad as it's been in the past (and it's been downright awful), but oh, it's there.

Still, I need to reassert the practicalities of the situation. He lives thousands of miles away, with the mother of his child (mother of his child, did I mention that? And that the kid is not even preschool-aged? Okay) and is older than me and blah blah blah. Right now I don't care. He's attractive anyway, and knowing that he's got the hots for me, as they say, just makes him more attractive. I think I'll spend my commute daydreaming.

Otis Redding Cover

I typically enjoy being non-stereotypical, so when I'm forced to admit that I'm a pretty standard female in some area, it's been known to irritate me.

One of my hangups, if you can even call it that, is that, in stereotypical female style, I very closely associate sex with intimacy. I'm self-aware enough to realize that they are not equivalent, and you can have one with the other. In fact, I've got a few examples up my sleeve of intimacy without sex. But none of sex without intimacy.

In fact, the entire thought of having "unattached" sex is... well, somewhat uncomfortable and abhorrent. Oh, I'm not condemning anyone who chooses to do so. After all, I'm a flaming liberal pagan social worker; so long as you're happy with your choice and it's not hurting anyone, rock yourself on. But for me? Uh... I'll pass?

The worst part is, fairly often I think to myself how much fun it would be to have gratuitous, non-emotional sex. Whether with strangers, or simply a fuckbuddy, whatever, I think it might be nice to have just some straight-up sex, without getting all those pesky emotions tangled up in it. I just think I'd feel desparingly guilty afterwards, which would rather defeat the purpose. And I also think I'd be stuck on trying to pursue a "relationship" with the male in question, which again, defeats the purpose. See also: history with Joseph. We haven't even had actual sex, but damn if I didn't catch myself acting like a jealous girlfriend once in a while with him.

Of course, I could be wrong. I'm rather hoping that I am, or else my plans for this summer involving Joseph are going to be a lot less enjoyable than they could be.

Until the daylight

As I was noodling around online, preparing to go to sleep around 1:30, Joseph pops online.

We chat a little, flirt a lot, and suddenly I'm sneaking into my living room, past the sleeping guest of Rabbit, to reset my modem so that I can use my webcam.

What?

It was probably a poor idea, as I only got three hours of sleep last night, but there's something intensely satisfying in knowing that somewhere, there is a male person who is not unattractive who is getting off to one's self.

Meanwhile, earlier in the night, I got this message from Jay:

So, this coming weekend I think I'd like to tie you up, stick the gag in your mouth, spread your legs, and slowly and gently introduce my entire hand into your vagina.

*blink*blink*

Well okay then.

she talks to angels

Lately I've been working six days out of seven. This past week, all but one of those days required me to get up at or near sunrise. Consequently, I fell asleep at 8:30 last night and didn't get up until 10:30 this morning. I also spent most of the day in my pajamas.

It was flipping glorious.

Unfortunately, it's back to the grind tomorrow; my work-week starts on Tuesday with a lovely bout of meetings from 9 am to 3 pm - but then I get to go home. Although tomorrow, instead of going home, I'll be heading over to buy a pair of skis - I found a pair on Craigslist for $50, which is impossible to pass up. Impossible, I tell you.

Sure, I should be saving money for a car, and definitely for grad school, but skis. For cheap. Which means no rental fees, which means more lift tickets.

Now to get that car with the roof rack so I can go skiing whenever I want.

Is it skiing season yet?

Impulse buys

Rabbit and I went back to the closing K-Mart today, to buy more cheap shampoo and girly products. We currently, between the two of us, have more personal hygeine products than our hated roommate. We did a little dance to celebrate, and then ragged on him some more.

On our way out, I noticed the condoms, and that the sign on them said "Family Planning 25% Off". I thought about buying a case, since I can just FSA them, but thought the better of it when I realized that between K-Mart and grad school tuition payments, I'd already spent more than half of my paycheck.

Still. 25% off condoms, that are then reimbursed from an FSA. About the only way they could get better would be if I had a coupon.

FUCK yarn.

No, seriously, fuck yarn. I will stick to tying knots in it and glueing it on to pages I've colored at this rate.

See, it's not enough for me that I can embroider. Nooo, I keep seeing people crocheting and knitting all the time, and all the time, I think to myself "hey, that would be fun and cool to do."

It started a few years ago with crochet. I was in Target one day and they were selling these little kits that touted themselves as "Crochet for Beginners! Crochet the project inside in hours, from start to finish! EASY EASY EASY OH GOD IT'S SO EASY" so naturally I bought it.

I excitedly opened the package when I got home, to find a little crochet hook, and instructions, and a ball of pretty gold yarn. I was thrilled, and immediately started learning how to crochet.

An hour later, I still hadn't gotten the hook of making a second row, so I put it away in disgust.

It took me four months and five more attempts to manage to actually get a second row started, and it looked bloody awful.

In frustration, I haven't touched it in six months. I always go back to embroidery - I'm fucking good at that shit. The results are immediate and recognizable, the movements aren't awkward, and it's more intimidating anyway.

So today I was shopping in the local K-Mart, because I didn't feel like waiting half an hour for a bus and they were having a store-wide clearance. I got some normally expensive shampoo for not-cheap-but-definitely-affordable prices, and wandered the rest of the store to hunt out bargains. I'm pretty sure the sale just started, so the prices weren't that low, but lo and behold, I came across the section with sewing notions.

I briefly thought about buying a rotary cutter and cutting mat, and realized that I have used my mother's and hated it, so I passed. Besides, the whole "making a quilt" thing is unrealistic. I'd love to sew more often, but I also know how lazy I am.

Anyway, I came across a little kit touted as "Knitting 101: Beginner's Knitting Kit - Learn to Knit in One Day! Clear Instructions with Pictures!" and I liked the color of the yarn, so of course I bought it.

How hard can it be, really? I'm an intelligent person. I'm relatively dextrous and coordinated. I'm a crafty bitch, damn you, I am learning how to fucking knit.

Fuck knitting though. Casting on is at least easy. I have that down. It's the actual knitting shit part that does not work. And gives me cramps in my hands. And keeps falling out of my hands and fucking up. And is making my eyes tired, looking so closely to make sure that I'm not fucking it up oh god was I supposed to do that it doesn't look like the picture (which isn't as clear as it damn well could be, ass) fuck this.

I am going to give it one more try before I pack it up and chuck it across the room in the direction of my sewing table, which is currently covered in books and bedsheets and curtains. Fuck yarn. Fuck it up it's wooly ass.

Do anything

One of the things I've noticed, now that I've been seeing Jay more often again, is that it's very, very easy to slip right back to where we once were.

When we were still dating, we, in large part, took each other for granted. I knew he'd be there when I got home from work; he knew I'd eventually go grocery shopping; we both knew that we'd fall asleep together and that there was always another night to have sex and be crazy again.

Now that we've been broken up for almost a year, I find that I really, really hate that.

The worst of it is, since it was such a habit before, I find myself doing it again. Perhaps more correctly, I find him doing it again. He came over a few weeks ago, I cooked him dinner, and he didn't try once to seduce me; instead we sat around, he was silent, and I more or less did nothing. When we only saw each other once a month, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was thrilling, it was exciting, it was titillating. Now we're just kind of there.

I told Jay this, that I didn't want us to just be "there", and didn't really get a response from him. Or if I did, it was so unremarkable that I didn't bother to remember it. I don't want to be complacent. For that reason alone, I know that I am not ready to be in a relationship with him.

There's some half-remembered quotation floating about my brain, about repeating the same action and thinking the outcome will be different. I fear that it is far too applicable to this situation.