No, seriously, fuck yarn. I will stick to tying knots in it and glueing it on to pages I've colored at this rate.
See, it's not enough for me that I can embroider. Nooo, I keep seeing people crocheting and knitting all the time, and all the time, I think to myself "hey, that would be fun and cool to do."
It started a few years ago with crochet. I was in Target one day and they were selling these little kits that touted themselves as "Crochet for Beginners! Crochet the project inside in hours, from start to finish! EASY EASY EASY OH GOD IT'S SO EASY" so naturally I bought it.
I excitedly opened the package when I got home, to find a little crochet hook, and instructions, and a ball of pretty gold yarn. I was thrilled, and immediately started learning how to crochet.
An hour later, I still hadn't gotten the hook of making a second row, so I put it away in disgust.
It took me four months and five more attempts to manage to actually get a second row started, and it looked bloody awful.
In frustration, I haven't touched it in six months. I always go back to embroidery - I'm fucking good at that shit. The results are immediate and recognizable, the movements aren't awkward, and it's more intimidating anyway.
So today I was shopping in the local K-Mart, because I didn't feel like waiting half an hour for a bus and they were having a store-wide clearance. I got some normally expensive shampoo for not-cheap-but-definitely-affordable prices, and wandered the rest of the store to hunt out bargains. I'm pretty sure the sale just started, so the prices weren't that low, but lo and behold, I came across the section with sewing notions.
I briefly thought about buying a rotary cutter and cutting mat, and realized that I have used my mother's and hated it, so I passed. Besides, the whole "making a quilt" thing is unrealistic. I'd love to sew more often, but I also know how lazy I am.
Anyway, I came across a little kit touted as "Knitting 101: Beginner's Knitting Kit - Learn to Knit in One Day! Clear Instructions with Pictures!" and I liked the color of the yarn, so of course I bought it.
How hard can it be, really? I'm an intelligent person. I'm relatively dextrous and coordinated. I'm a crafty bitch, damn you, I am learning how to fucking knit.
Fuck knitting though. Casting on is at least easy. I have that down. It's the actual knitting shit part that does not work. And gives me cramps in my hands. And keeps falling out of my hands and fucking up. And is making my eyes tired, looking so closely to make sure that I'm not fucking it up oh god was I supposed to do that it doesn't look like the picture (which isn't as clear as it damn well could be, ass) fuck this.
I am going to give it one more try before I pack it up and chuck it across the room in the direction of my sewing table, which is currently covered in books and bedsheets and curtains. Fuck yarn. Fuck it up it's wooly ass.