Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Do anything

One of the things I've noticed, now that I've been seeing Jay more often again, is that it's very, very easy to slip right back to where we once were.

When we were still dating, we, in large part, took each other for granted. I knew he'd be there when I got home from work; he knew I'd eventually go grocery shopping; we both knew that we'd fall asleep together and that there was always another night to have sex and be crazy again.

Now that we've been broken up for almost a year, I find that I really, really hate that.

The worst of it is, since it was such a habit before, I find myself doing it again. Perhaps more correctly, I find him doing it again. He came over a few weeks ago, I cooked him dinner, and he didn't try once to seduce me; instead we sat around, he was silent, and I more or less did nothing. When we only saw each other once a month, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was thrilling, it was exciting, it was titillating. Now we're just kind of there.

I told Jay this, that I didn't want us to just be "there", and didn't really get a response from him. Or if I did, it was so unremarkable that I didn't bother to remember it. I don't want to be complacent. For that reason alone, I know that I am not ready to be in a relationship with him.

There's some half-remembered quotation floating about my brain, about repeating the same action and thinking the outcome will be different. I fear that it is far too applicable to this situation.

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travisalexander4713390699 said...
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