I did not in fact go to fucking sleep after that post last night; instead my body and mind sort of went on auto-pilot and I stayed awake... doing nothing, really. Nothing of consequence, anyway. I had an extremely healthy and nutritious dinner of two bowls of Lucky Charms (hey now, I used low-fat milk), after Jay had prompted me over IM that I really should eat something. I wasn't really in the mood or head-space to truly do anything though. Cooking was something far beyond me, as was just about everything else.
When I get in that space - unmotivated, distractable, tired and cranky but not sleepy, whiny, and almost feeling a little sorry for myself, what I really need is a hug. I am not sure how this cure was discovered, but I am sure that it was with Jay, since he is the only person outside of my family that I allow to hug me with any regularity.
But there were no hugs to be found, because that's not exactly what you ask of your roommates, especially when one of them annoys the piss out of you on a daily - sometimes hourly - basis (did I mention that it only took ten hours for him to dirty up the cleaned counters again? AGAIN?). I had resigned myself to just going to goddamn sleep already just before midnight, and dutifully put on my pjs and turned off the light, and brought my laptop to bed with me.
Jay's been calling me as he goes to bed lately, which is usually just after midnight. I for one am quite pleased with this development. One of my cheif complaints very early on in our relationship was that he never. fucking. called me, and he appears to have learned that calling me is in fact a way to make me happy. I always approve when people learn their lessons. Plus, I love having that connection with him, even if I don't get to see him. I love hearing his voice, and knowing that he's laying there in the dark, thinking of me, just as I am thinking of him.
He has called me, and we have fallen asleep on the phone together, often enough that I immediately got sleepy, so I put the computer down and curled up with my phone tucked beneath my ear. Jay was already somewhat aware of what my mental state was, since he'd been infrequently chatting with me online. I wasn't much better on the phone. I was whiny, and I could tell that I was just mentally overtired, because my brain started messing with my perceptions of size again. I felt exponentially large and expansive - my phone felt like it was six inches wide in my hand - and that I was somewhat floating above my bed. That's always a fun experience, and it usually only happens when my mind is just all set with being active and having to work, thank you very much.
I had been talking a bit about what was going on for me, and finally just whined "I need a hug." Jay got silent for a few moments then did possibly the best thing ever.
"Hold on just a minute. I'm going to hug the phone, because I can't hug you."
And he proceeded to hug the phone.
And you know what? It was nearly as good as the real thing. Maybe it was a trick of my idiotic brain, but I could nearly feel his arms around me, holding me tight. And it brought the same silly smile to my face as it would as if he'd physically been there.
Better yet, it made everything alright. I happily nuzzled down into my pillows and could feel myself getting more relaxed and calm. We talked each other to the point of sleep, and hung up. And I slept much better than I would have otherwise.