Thursday, May 20, 2004

Courage and wit have served thee well

Oh gods, I've been playing so much Dragon Warrior lately. For those of you who don't have fond memories of the hours and hours you spent leveling up in this game, it's one of the first role-playing games to come out on the original NES. It also happens to be one of the games I owned as a kid, and yes, I spent hours and hours and hours fighting drakees, warlocks, rogue scorpions, and goldmen, trying to eventually get the Dragonlord. Now I've got a copy to play on the computer, and I'm wearing out the keys. Nintendo was the system I grew up on - I don't so much deal well with things like the Playstation and its ilk.

I tried to play some Playstation game. Once. The session ended in about four minutes, with me flinging the controller down to the ground and stalking off in a murderous rage. Since then, I've been sticking with what I know, and that's Nintendo and to a lesser extent, the Sega Genesis. And Dragon Warrior. Lots, and lots of Dragon Warrior.

I did take a brief break to check my email though, and something caught my eye. It's a D/s discussion list, so the notion of collars came up. A Master on the list mentioned that to him, 24/7 literally means 24/7, so there is no "off" time, no time when the collar is not on and the slave is not in the proper mindset. That prompted a remark from someone else saying, essentially, that the collar is a mindset, and that it wasn't necessary to have the physical collar on to have the mindset that went with it.

Now obviously, collars aren't universal. Not everyone uses them, not everyone attaches any sort of significance to them. But I've noticed that the ideal, if you will, of a "collared slave" is fairly common, especially among fulltime D/s people - who make up the majority of this list, by the by.

A part of me is uncomfortable with the entire discussion really, because it makes it so obvious that I am not like the others. It makes me almost feel as if I don't belong, but I've grown enough to know that's just remnant insecurity talking. At the same time, it makes me glad that J and I own a pair.

See, I do need the collar to get the mindset. I've submitted without it; we didn't buy a collar until about eight months ago, after all. But comparing times with and times without, the times with I seem to recall being much further into the submissive mindset, much more subservient and obedient, and for much longer.

What can I say, it's a very powerful image, a very powerful symbol of submission. It's helpful and comforting to have a physical reminder of the state I'm in - the state I've agreed to be in. It says to me, more than anything else at this point, that I am J's to do with as he wishes.

I'm not brave enough to wear it out in public. I got uneasy in the kitchen, knowing that there were no curtains on the windows yet and the neighbors might see it (at least until I decided I didn't give a fuck, which wasn't until Sunday). But I am willing to wear it for him. I am willing to use it to help me enter that space in my head where I'm his, and to give me the strength to accept that gracefully, instead of kicking and screaming. And since it's not practical for me to be in a submissive mode all the time - really, I don't even want to think about how people at work would react to me going from in charge to subservient - I'm going to keep it that way. The collar is a symbol and physical reminder to me not only that I'm submissive, but that it's a safe time and place for me to be so. And when it's off, it's time for me to be independent and strong-willed again. Kind of like how some people will wear heels all day at work, but when they get home, they immediately put on houseslippers. It's a physical reminder that the time, place, and their attitude have changed.

And that means that I don't always consider myself J's submissive. There are specific times when I am, but it is by no means all the time. I am, however, always his.

A month after we started dating, I bought myself a small silver moonstone ring. I've worn it every single day that we've been together. It's a reminder to me of him, even when he's not around, and it's handy to slip on my ring finger in bars and scare other guys off. It's a physical reminder of our relationship.

It's a symbol, just as much as a collar. The ring says that he belongs to me, and I to him. The collar says that i belong to Him, and He to me. Hopefully one day I'll be able to show both of those to the rest of the world.

No comments: