Saturday, May 08, 2004

You are still miles away from me

I spent most of this week having a tiff with J. And by "tiff" I mean an "I am not speaking to you and do not even think about touching me because you are in the wrong here" all-out fight.

The reason we were fighting is relatively unimportant - both for this blog, and in real life right now; we've come up with an acceptable plan to deal with it. Suffice it to say that he made a few decisions that I decidedly disagreed with. But the way the fight played out is, because it's fairly typical of our relationship - J screws up in my eyes, I turn into a pissed bitch, he hides until I force him to come out and deal with me.

Ostensibly, I'm submissive to J. In reality, this only actually happens about once a month. I'll get into a really submissive mood and wheedle my way into being spanked, tied, beaten, what-have-you. It usually takes a while - both J and I switch - but I tend to get my way.

In the meantime, though, ask any of J's and my friends, and they'll tell you that I most definitely wear the pants in this relationship. I'm the one with the career, the name on the lease, the one who does the cooking and grocery shopping, the one who picks out the new furniture and living accomidations, who pays the bills... I run things. I'm mature, I'm responsible, and I'm capable of taking care of myself without any help, thankyouverymuch. Better yet, I like things that way.

Moreover, when I can't take care of myself - whether because of sickness, job issues, whatever, and I'm dependent on someone, it's... well let's just say it's a bad scene. That can throw me into a major depressive event faster than you can say "sister submissive". The need to have a job, and to take care of myself, is nearly pathological. I know that. I'm generally okay with that.

The times when it's a problem with me are when I am feeling the need to submit to J. I'm so damn used to getting my way, and making my own decisions, that if I let someone else hold those reins for more than a day or so, it really starts to chafe. Even sometimes when I am willingly submitting, it's difficult for me to discern if I'm telling him "no" about something because I don't want to do it, or because to do so would be genuinely harmful to me. I don't necessarily trust him to make the best possible decision for me. I love him to death, and I know that he wouldn't intentionally hurt me, but at the same time, I know I can make a good decision, and to be honest, J doesn't always - which was what lead to this week. I'm sure I mess up too, but if I brought the consequences on my own head, it's a lot easier to deal with than if someone else dumped them there.

So all this leads to where we are now. J and I would both like me to spend a weekend in submission - it's a very potent idea for the both of us. We have the opportunity, since we have the apartment to ourselves all month. I doubt it will happen this weekend, because I spent nearly the entire week quite forcefully in charge - and righteously pissed. It's hard for me to do a complete 180 at any time and submit, and even harder right now. And it also makes it difficult for me to submit when I have proof that J isn't always the greatest of decision-makers. I'm loathe to give up all the control I've put on my own life to someone that doesn't even have his all in order yet.

J is at least understanding and forgiving when I don't even feel like having sex, much less submitting, and it's never been a problem to stop the action when I need it too. But at the same time, I wonder if maybe I've got it all wrong. I wonder if I'm really a submissive, if J really can Master me, if maybe I should just give up the D/s aspect of BDSM and stick to just getting my ass tied up.

But when I do manage to submit... fuck me, it's amazing. It's an absolutely addictive feeling.

I'd really rather not give up J. But I'd really rather like to have someone that can master me and have me submit without having to ask myself all these questions.