Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Synchronicity (II)

I mentioned last night that Jay and I had a conversation. That's a bit wrong; we actually had a few conversations this past weekend, and one ongoing one.

I find it interesting that dear Hannah is blogging about the topic of the ongoing conversation as well. A year or so back, it was one of my biggest complaints about blogging - as soon as I thought up something to write about, I discovered someone else already had.

Anyway, Jay and I had an ongoing kink conversation this weekend. It started, oh, Friday night? He was pulling my hair (which I adore) and telling me how much liked being "a little bit mean" to me. After things calmed down a bit, I, ever the curious one, asked, quite innocently "How mean is a little mean?"

This flustered him a bit - here I was expecting him to talk, and at a time like this (we were both naked, in my bed, of course)! I changed the question to "how mean would you want to be to me?", and I think there were a few rephrases after that as well. Regardless, it had the desired effect: Jay was talking.

The conversation wended its way through whips and paddles and crops and floggers, and how much Jay likes the cane because of its "precision", and how he hates the flogger for its lack thereof. And how he knows I'm not so much into pain, per se. I responded that the fact that I'm not into pain, as such, is true; however under certain circumstances, certain types of pain, in regulated amounts, is a-okay with me.

This got him musing onto other things. We probably haven't gone through the kink-list in a few years - at least, not since before I dumped his ass. (As for what I'm doing with him right now, it's called "not-dating", and it basically involves us having sex and going on dates, but not in a relationship. I like him much better this way.) We reaffirmed the fact that needles freak my shit out, and that other sharp objects are not welcome in my bedroom.

He asked me about wax, which I knew he had an interest in. That's one of the mutable list items - it really does depend on my mood. Since it was right after talk of needles and knives and whatnot, I was not in the mood, and declared it a "no". Fire and I sort of have a long-standing, mutual truce backed by distrust - fire doesn't burn me or my house, I allow it to cook my food and occasionally light a candle or two. Fire twelve inches above me, melting something that's dripping on me... not so much at this time.

Jay allowed as how that was all right, then turned the tables on me, and asked me for something that I would like to do that we had never done. That was a bit trickier. Now, I trust Jay - at least as far as I am capable of doing so. I know that he cares for and about me, I know that he would never deliberately hurt me, I know that I will probably never, ever be able to make him cry or scare him away. But I was a bit scared by the question, whether logically or not. Sure, I've known him for the better part of a decade (and freaked him out when I mentioned that), but... I didn't want to scare him away. Still, I thought to myself, I hadn't yet, so perhaps something in my deep dark head is shareable.

I went safe though. I mentioned as how we still hadn't gotten around to building a wooden pony, and I thought that was a great idea. It still is, apparently. Perhaps I will have to find those plans I drew up. We talked about a few things that are on my list of "nice ideas, not practical", such as doing a shoot for Hogtied or something. I think it would be intensely fun. I also think it would possibly be one of the stupidest ideas ever, because with my luck, the wrong person would see it.

As I was sifting through my list of things I could possibly tell Jay, I noticed something - the same thing Hannah did, incidentally, and that is that the list has shifted. Things that I would never have been interested in - canes, voyeurism, etc. - a few years ago have become definite interests. And things that I was only somewhat interested in - anything remotely to do with anal, floggers, paddles, etc. - have become huge yeses as well. There are still some nos on there, and I'm pretty sure they'll stay nos. But... there's a few nos on there that I could possibly be persuaded on. Jay is very pleased that one of these is mixing electricity and sex, because he likes the idea verymuch. I think it's because he's an engineer, and is trying to combine two of his favorite things.

When I first noticed this happening a few years ago ("oh my god, I was never in to that kink before! what the hell") I was a bit scared. The kinky side of my personality still scares me a little bit - it's definitely not mainstream or accepted as such, and I live in fear that one day, the Wrong Person will find out about it - but considerably less now. The fear from expanding the list came from the fact, I think, that I hadn't even come to terms in any way with the fact that I was kinky at all, much less into more than one kink, on an ongoing and expanding basis.

Still, I've had some time to get used to the idea by now. And I like kink. And I'm okay with the fact that I may, sometimes, come across a new kink and like it - whether that goes under the "nice idea, but impractical", "I could be persuaded under the right conditions", or "oh hells yes" column. I'm smart enough to keep myself safe, and I'm lucky enough to have at least one person in my life willing to come along for the ride with me - when I feel like letting him. All in all, I figure I've got it pretty good.

And I will never, ever buy needles.


Hannah said...

oh darling...never say never.


french said...

I know, that is completely inviting the universe to make needles suddenly the most attractive thing ever to me.

I'm doing okay so far though; one of my kids talked about getting a tongue piercing done and it made my skin crawl. :)