Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I need some sleep.

Over the weekend I wound up working a double on Sunday, which, as I previously mentioned, probably wasn't a good idea. I got out of work late on Saturday, lost an hour of sleep that night, and then had to be at work at 8 am, which is about three hours before I normally think about getting up. A recipe for exhaustion, is what that is.

But, it did give me the opportunity to not only spend some quality one-on-one time with the kids, it gave me the opportunity to spend some time with the staff, too. Particularly Lee.

Lee is sort of an odd duck - she and I get along fabulously on a personal level, but we definitely clash on a professional one. She's a black dyke with dreads, who's studying some sort of therapy, and has been working at the house for a few years. We've always had great conversations about relationships, and naturally, I availed myself of the opportunity to bounce my current situation off of her.

It all started when I mentioned how Peter, the so-called "new guy" stood me up on Friday night. We'd been planning to meet after I got out of work, but he totally forgot and oops, there's me standing outside the bar looking like a schmuck. I wasn't too pissed though; I was tired and kind of just wanted to go home anyway, and it worked out well, because Saturday, well, shit. Let's just say that Saturday spawned another great "So this one time at work" story to tell over beers.

So I wound up telling her all about Peter - he's 29, lives in the city, works at a political action group, liberal as fuck like me, takes his martinis dirty and dry. He's definitely my type - tall and skinny and soft-spoken, and we'd had a marvelous time on our first date. Which reminds me - I need to write about me and dating some time.

Anyway, I then mentioned how I'm still talking to Jay, my ex, and how we'd remained friends. Regardless of what has or will happen, I will always be fond of Jay. Meanwhile, since we've broken up, he's mentioned to me that yes, he does want to get back together with me once he gets his shit in order, and right, that marriage thing? He'd like that as well. When I told him that I'd been out on a date with Peter, and had a good time, he was quite honest and told me that his reaction was happiness for me, but also a good helping of "OHSHIT".

Jay then proceeded to ask me out on a date, which I gleefully accepted, because I am not above using men for car rides, drinks, and dinners.

I've definitely been using Jay for the car rides lately; he's taken to picking me up from work one night a week, and usually staying over. When he does, we proceed to have lots of amazing, fantastic sex, which I think will be my downfall. I always attach tons of emotion to sex, but it's hard not to when you still feel guilty for losing your virginity before marriage, and when the thought of sleeping with anyone else usually makes you ill. I think it would psychologically break me to fuck someone else - although I might manage to get over that with JS, which is the story of an entirely different entry. It's also hard to detach yourself from sex when you feel home, you feel complete and so fantastically alive when you have it with someone in particular.

The crux of the problem is that there were no "sparks" with Peter, and there's still plenty with Jay. I still can't forget the first time I saw him - it was from across the room, I picked him out of a group, and said "Mine." And proceeded to make him so.

Lee and I discussed the entire thing, and one thing she said really stuck with me. I've been broken up with Jay for almost a year, but we've still talked, we've still sexed, we've still seen each other, and the previous five years are nothing to sneeze at. Despite all the things I hate about him, and hated in our relationship, he still makes me smile. She called my attention to that, pretty fiercely.

Most days, I'm pretty okay with the fact that I'm pretty much still in love with Jay.


Anonymous said...

what does this mean...what will you do?

All I can say is thank god you have found someone else to think about.

Jay may be great, but if you really want to move on then its easier when you have someone else to move on with, even if they may not be one that you ordinarily choose.

You are right, how can you move away from Jay when it sounds like a) you still love him and b)he's like your first love and feel some comfortable with?

french said...

Yeah, it's easier to move on when there's someone else. And yeah, he's my first love and all that, which is difficult to get away from.

Honestly, I have no idea. Right now, I've pretty much decided to enjoy the fact that I can do whatever I want, without commitments. Jay is nice, and I do like spending time with him, but I've also found that going out with other people of the male species can be fun too.