Sunday, April 16, 2006

Turn to face the sun, let it warm you through

You know, I've always thought of myself as a winter person, but damn if I'm not happy it's spring. 70's and sunshine have done marvels for my mental health.

There's plenty to write about Jay, and in fact he's why I haven't written in two days. He doesn't know this exists, as far as I know, so I try to keep it that way.

Instead, I will write more about me, and other people that are not Jay.

Here's the deal. Back in February, I applied for graduate school. It's a long story as to why I only applied to one school, but I only applied to one school. The entire process nearly made me ill; I was convinced that I was not good enough for grad school for a variety of reasons, most of which were bullshit, as Vinnie often told me (as well as others). I have a history of thinking I'm not good enough - thanks Dad; it was really helpful for you to never congratulate me for bringing home straight A's for years.

Anyway, I finished the application at the last possible minute, because I like to avoid things that are unpleasant for me. It's one of my big character flaws. I turned in the application, and tried to forget about the entire thing. In the back of my head, I allowed for the possibility that I might get in anyway - I have excellent references, and tons of experience in the field - but more or less had decided that I wasn't getting in.

I got out of the shower today, before going to work, and my roomate had brought in the mail, including a large envelope from the school. I picked it up and there were multiple sheets, so I figured it wasn't a rejection letter. That enabled me to bite the bullet and open the damn thing, and I was correct, it was in fact an offer to attend the school starting this fall. I screeched in joy loud enough to let the entire metropolitan area know, and promptly called my parents to tell them the good news.

Once the initial excitement wore off, the practicalities started asseting themselves. I make a pitifully small amount of money. I live in an expensive area. Grad school ain't cheap. I work in a place that's an hour and a half from my house unless I have a car, which I don't have. The school is about an hour by public transport in the other direction, but again, much shorter time by car. I don't have the money to buy a car, and gas is wicked expensive. I also hate a lot of things about being a supervisor, but I'm not sure if that's just because I'm still more or less trying the role on. Thankfully, I'm only expected to come up with $7,000 per year towards this, but still, it's not like I've got $7,000 sitting around somewhere.

But back to excitement and positive things. This is so far beyond where anyone else in my family has gotten. I was the first person on my mom's side of the family to ever even go to college, much less graduate, and only the third on my dad's side. Hell, four generations ago, both families were still in Europe. Both of my parents ended their education after high school. My brother dropped out of college. This is going way beyond where anyone else has been, and what's great about it is that not only is it fulfilling a dream for me, it's making my parents so unbearably proud. I love that.

I also love that I got in on my own merit. I got in because I'm worthy of going to grad school. Me. Just me. I rock that much sock. It's a huge self-esteem boost. I can totally kick this shit's ass.

The other thing that's wicked exciting about today is that one of my good friends (and now play-hooky-and-ski buddies) from college rang me up today to tell me that she got engaged to her long-term boyfriend, which is amazingly exciting for them and I couldn't be happier. Sure, I still don't think I'm old enough to have friends getting married, but it's not like she's the first. I was the maid of honor for a friend's wedding when I was 19, and my closest friend in the world got married last year, but I am not old enough to have friends getting married (much less get married myself). But I want kids. A lot. But I don't want to get married. Bleah.

Anyway, happiness for friend. And happiness for me. This is so fucking awesome.

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